Quote

How precious and beautiful, I thought, is a woman, how unsurprising that a vital man, without compromise, simply wishes to own such a fantastic, delicious creature, how unsurprising that he wishes in the full and glorious heat of his blood to overwhelm, devour, dominate, and master her.

~John Norman

Healthy Break or Growing Stagnate?

'Cheshire Puss,’ she began… ‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.
‘I don’t much care where–’ said Alice.
‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.
‘–so long as I get somewhere,’ Alice added as an explanation.
‘Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.’
~ Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

In college, this was a favorite journal quote for my Composition teachers. It's funny now, that it came to girl’s mind, years later, as a blog entry. I am at that crossroads again, unsure which way to go, where I should be now, who I should be now, or what I am expected to do next. My head knows what family and friends expect me to do, but my heart just isn’t in it. It’s not that I am at a standstill, exactly, but maybe just taking an emotional break? A reflective hiatus, if you will.

Girl misses Pixie, desperately. As much as girl would love to see her, spend time with her, girl knows that Pixie is one who this one cannot convince Pixie girl feels otherwise. She knows all of my secrets, knows when I am dodging or lying to myself that I am ok... Yes, in time it is what this girl needs, but... not sure if her heart is ready for that... yet.

Untitled

It’s been a rough couple of days. A girl is grieving, over several things.

Girl had a ‘Daddy’ she was spending time with, talking, opening up, she felt strongly about, who decided He didn’t want to talk to her anymore because he took a quote the wrong way and then girl told him he was pitching a tantrum for thinking the worst of her without talking to her... Two days now, and he still isn’t talking to her. But if One cannot control His own emotionals and judgements, how can He truly control another? So she is dealing with that loss.

A client’s parent passed and girl was left to try and explain it to him, comfort him... His pain is felt so strongly by this girl, her heart breaks every single time she has to try and help him understand. How can she tell him that he is going to be ok, that he is still loved and his mom will always be looking down on him... when he is going through one of her worst fears? It is so hard for this girl to try and keep her personal issues/fears with death seperate from what her client is going through.

Jarl has been away for almost ten days, she misses Him and His conversations very much. His surgery went well, thankfully, and He is at home recovering... but things didn't go well the last time We spoke and its been 10 days and... with everything else going on, she's extremely un-grounded feeling.

The weather has been a lot of back and forth lately, cold nights, hot days, cold rains ~ and her fibromyalgia has been doing a number on muscles. Girl just feels so isolated, not alone, but secluded, and cannot express what she needs too. The hurt is too intense and girl’s mind is so cloudy.

Maybe this girl is just... tired of the disappointment of learning who she thought Someone was, isn't who He is at all. Of knowing that it still is not her time to find what she craves so deeply.

We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.
~Jim Rohn

His possession

... the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know profoundly and deeply, the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and dispositions of his lovely article of property; this knowledge, of course, puts her more at his mercy; by making it possible for him to manipulate her feelings, exploit weaknesses, drop asides, etc., she in the helpless condition of slavery,
it gives him greater power over her.
~ Tribesmen of Gor, Page 42

This girl loves this quote. I have often thought that I could not be a Man's property, but being His possession, in this sense of the definitely, sounds amazing. Perhaps it is the feminine heart within that desires Him to want to know her completely, utterly and accepting all of who she is, in every way. This quote, makes girl think that He owns her because of who she is, and His desire to know her intimately, thoroughly, all parts of her, and not in spite of who she is.

Wish List

Looking for the man I can't manipulate. The man who has control over himself, his sexuality, and most importantly, me. As strong as I need. As good a man deep down as I’ve always wanted, and just as intense and dirty as I’ve always dreamed.

Once I am His, He will be the the one to TAKE me - in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the living room, in a dark alley. Wherever he wants. Whenever he wants. However he wants. The one who doesn't have to ask. The one who knows what is his and isn't afraid to take it... because He knows that deep down, I burn ache and need to please Him.

The one who knows how to love and protect me - and how to keep me in my place. The one who knows his own place, and always stands above. Good. Moral. Strong. Loving. All of it! Not some internet dungeons and dragons fool who looks like he wants to be in "The Matrix". But a man I could take home to Mom.

Someone who is an Alpha male always. A good man deep down... and just as fucking dirty as I have always dreamed of, and maybe even more than I’ve ever imagined. And trust me, I can imagine a lot.

Altered this from Someone's journal entry on Collar Me

who gave girl permission to play with and repost.

Sexual Service

I looked down upon her. "You are a wanton slave," I said. She looked up at me laughing, "A girl in a collar is not permitted inhibitions," she said. It was true, slave girls must reveal their sexual nature, totally. Do they not do so, they are beaten.
~ Marauders of Gor, Page 278

She fell to kissing me, with the lascivious, wanton joy of the slave girl, given no choice but to reveal and liberate, and act upon, completely and with perfection, her deepest, most hidden desires, even though she might in misery, scorn herself for possessing them.
~ Marauders of Gor, Page 296

In my heart, I desire to please another more than I seek my own pleasure. I ache to meet His needs and burn to serve Him in all ways. Even though I am slow to warm up to someone sexually, it is another way I desire to be pleasing. My background has not been the most positive, and I must confess that sexual service is a way that is the most difficult for me, I have very low self-esteem, amorously speaking.

Some would argue that as a slave to Another I should mold my desires after His, change my arousal to things that He requires/enjoys... But to be honest, I do have a need to be pushed past that good girl image into this growling begging white-hot slut who burns so hot for His pleasure that she cries out all these things that would make me blush normally! I need to be able to let go of that constant monitoring of my speech and image, to be allowed to be broken down to that wanton tramp who is so focused on His release that she becomes this animal, slave not only to Him but to her own passion that He stirs up.

When I let go of that part of myself too truly open up, erotically, I tend to get a bit of a potty mouth. That is how I open up to Someone and if He were to turn around and insult me or call 'that part' of me filthy... it really hurts. Once made aware that it bothered me, if were to say that He was only teasing, how can I believe that He is kidding? It was enough of a distraction to Him to interrupt to scold me, no one does that when they are only jesting. It’s so difficult for me to put enough trust in the fact that I can open up with that part of me...

Yes I have had horrific experiences, sexually. I have had non-consensual experiences that have haunted my nightmares for a long time after. I have had consensual encounters that ended in severe abuse. I have been mocked, scorned, humiliated, and verbally attacked based on what turns me on. And that is from those who were supposed to be my partners! Yes I am trying to let go and move beyond these memories, but when I am told that I am 'filthy'... it brings a lot of that back. Which isn’t His fault, of course, how is He to know these things? But how can I bring it up while remaining in 'my place'?

Possession

When you discover that the chains on your heart are even stronger than the chains on your wrists, and find your love for Him shines through in all you do... then you find the absolute rapture of knowing He possesses you... body and soul.

I have not felt this yet, for a Man. Sometimes I wonder if it is a myth, but then I met slaves who tend to radiate this very thing. Maybe it is something a girl doesn't realize for herself, but is best seen by Him?

a woman too

In search of One who longs to truly own a slave girl.
A Man who doesn't hate women; in fact He loves them,
Which explains His need to possess one so thoroughly.

I love this quote. It speaks so honestly about my won desires. I become so upset with those who want to master a woman but hate women or feel they are objects to be degraded and abused... I have been down that path and have no interest in returning. Do not get me wrong, please, I do not want to be worshiped and placed on a pedestal. But I do want to be loved and owned completely, not just the slave part of me, but the woman part of me too.

Slipping Away

Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.
~ Thomas Merton

This is a favorite quote of mine, something I truly believe with every ounce of my being. I do not want to submit to Another because I cannot make my own choices, I want to surrender to Him because I want Him to make those decisions for me. Most of the time, I am in control of my emotions, my responses, and my environment. However, no one is perfect. I am not sure what is going on with me. I am beginning to think that maybe I am not truly a slave, things have been so... off for me the last few days. That little girl part of me has withdrawn, gone into hiding or maybe she is simply hibernating. I’m having a hard time coloring and last night, not even my ‘Wizard of Oz’ could bring comfort or peace.

What if it isn’t just the little girl that is slipping away? What if my nature is shifting? What if I am not truly submissive? These questions, although based in insecurities, are something I need to consider. I know that deep down, I need to serve Another. I know that I want Someone to be in control so that I can surrender and obey. What if that is just an escape? Maybe my own intense hunger for that is transforming into a fear of not finding it? Aching for something strongly is not a guarantee that it will come about. No, I am not allowing my fear to control me, this feeling of disappearing is very real to me.

I have been working an unrealistic amount of hours, a hectic schedule, and not getting enough rest. I have had some medical stuff that is keeping me in nervous fits and I have to keep adjusting my timetable for the month. On top of that, they have began adjusting my fibro medicine which tends to cause some emotional backlash. A Friend said something earlier when I spoke to Him a bout a health possibility, He said it was “good to know so One can decide if He wants to take the risk of someone with that.” Truth be told, my heart sank. I felt so alone, and have since. I grew up thinking that One who truly cares about another, as long as there was complete honesty, would simply make it work, no matter the situation. I needed His support that things would be ok, but instead He brought it back around to Himself. That is His right, I guess. Then again, I don’t belong to Him so is it His right? Or because I cannot get control over my own situations, can I truly submit to Another?

These thoughts have waken me up tonight, but now that I've posted...

I'm going back to bed.

Unconditional?

Everyone talks about unconditional slavery, no limits, no hesitations, no doubts. Everyone expects absolute devotion, come cancer, car wreck, or stroke. But what happens if it is the slave who has the accident or has bad health? Yes, it will affect her ability to physically serve Him and wait on Him hand and foot, but does it really affect her slavery or her surrender? Does it alter His control over her? So many feel that what it takes to truly be a slave is an eager need to serve and a humble heart that wants to please. Do those aspects of the girl change with her health?

If a Master is taking care of His slave, who is serving whom? If there is a medical condition in which she is not able to serve Him sometimes, then is she serving? Shouldn't everything should be about Him. Is it wrong that these are His first thoughts? Is it selfish for her to become upset over the dramatic change that will come over her life because of this, and His only concern is that He will be "serving" her? Yes her thoughts and life becomes about serving Him, but she makes herself feel guilty enough without His reminder that she will pretty much be 'useless' to Him. Sure He didn't say the words, but by asking "who is serving who" He might of well had. The worst part is that it was a hypothetical situation in regards to an illness that can be cured. Personal feelings are that One must take care of His car, oil changes and maintenance, so that He can have better control over the car. Wouldn't the same hold true with a slave?

Maybe I am not cut out for being One's slave.

Letter to Normals

The Letter To Normals

Hello Family, Friends, and Anyone Wishing to Know me,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to spend some time with me and get to know me better. A person's time is their most valuable asset and yours is appreciated.

I want to talk to you about Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). Many have never heard of these conditions and for those who have, many are misinformed. And because of this judgments are made that may not be correct So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am and how FM/MPS has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.

You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who's attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alot like you and I; you wont see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You wont see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain may be more destructive because people can't see it and do not understand....

Please don't get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die....

Most of my "friends" are gone; even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of "playing games" for another's sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because the burning and pain in my legs or arms is so intense I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm.

I feel like a child at times... Just the other day I put the sour cream I bought at the store in the pantry, on the shelf, instead of in the refrigerator; by the time I noticed it, it had spoiled. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off after I cook an occasional meal. Please try to understand how it feels to "lose" the laundry, only to find it in the stove instead of the dryer. As I try to maintain my dignity the Demon assaults me at every turn. Please try to understand.

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for clarity.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn't mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk after dinner on a warm July evening; the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say "but you did that yesterday!" "What is your problem today?" The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply that I have let my family down again; and still they don't understand.

On a brighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another's face light up and smile at my wit. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I love you and want nothing more than to be a part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. Do you have a dream? I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for your latest project; many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals and this demon. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I promise you that; I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can, I promise you that. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. Please understand.

Thank you for spending your time with me today. I hope we can work through this thing, you and I. Please understand that I am just like you Please understand.

Copyright of Fibro Hugs , Written by Ronald J. Waller

Thank you pixie for sending this letter to me, it helps put into words things that this girl cannot express. Thank you so much, sis.

Oz or Bust

Tornadoes are stunning things. Dangerous and deadly, but no less beautifully powerful. I don’t know what it is about them, deep down I love to watch them on the weather channel and discovery channel, I look up pictures of them on the internet, and have even thought of taking a trip to Tornado Alley. However, I’m also chicken. I respect how formidable and destructive they are, and I don’t wish to be in one’s way.

But the little girl part of me can’t help but wonder... Could they really take a girl to Oz? If you had a chance to go before the Wizard, what would this girl wish for? Of course a girl’s favorite movie is the Wizard of Oz, because the characters realize that they had their desires all along. I think this is relevant to today’s society. Everyone is looking for instant gratification or the promise that someone will complete them more than they currently are.

With that in mind, I think the thing I would ask from the wizard would be confidence. I am self-assured professionally. I am poised in my family life. However, when it comes to my personal life or my ability to please Another in a physical way, confidence goes out the window. Its like I become that scared little girl who doesn’t know for sure what to do or what to say to please Him.. In many ways, I am virginal. I wonder what kind of task the Wizard would give one to help her realize that she only needs to look within to fill the void and gather the strength to be assertive about her desires? Would I still be submissive? Would I still have a need to be controlled, mastered, and possessed by One who not only makes my knees weak but takes my breath away? Would I still need a Daddy to tell me that everything will be ok? Maybe the yellow brick road was a metaphor for day-to-day living? Instead of loosing focus in the craziness around us, we just need to follow the yellow brick road. I have often used the metaphor that life is a tornado, wild, crazy, unpredictable, tough, and can kill you ~ unless you find the center. In the eye of the storm there is perfect peace, it is quiet, calm, and serene. Perhaps my yellow brick road will lead me to the eye of this storm, keeping me focused on the journey not just the destination or current troubles.

Although this may be easier to do if I had a pair of those fabulous unforgettable ruby slippers! ;)

This picture was taken from the storms in

Lawrence Ks on June 29th, 1998. Photo by Christina Collins Frazier

Thoughts...

I enjoy crocheting and knitting. With each blanket or scarf that I create, I’m always amazed at how it is one continuous piece of yarn. A good tug on the end, can cause it to completely unravel and once more be one long piece of yarn. Makes me pause and think about how symbolic it is. So many things in our life, can completely unravel with one good tug.

An intense power exchange relationship starts off beautifully, it is fierce and filled with those warm good feelings. But as life begins to take more time away from the relationship, it becomes more difficult for the focus on both to remain on the other. Because then, something like this happens.

Sometimes, when work gets to be too much, or I’m not feeling well, or things are just... off for me, I need that grounding that time with Daddy/Jarl/Master can provide. It’s like my life has become a hurricane and I need His guidance to bring me back to the center, where things are calm and still. So that when life tugs on my string, He is the knot that keeps me from unraveling. :)

Little Girl or Property?

This girl has served in a power exchange relationship as property before. At the Owner’s wishes, a girl was a bit disconnected from the Owner, and She with this one. To help keep the girl in her place, She said. The girl kept her ‘little girl’ side locked away somewhere safe, so she wouldn’t be hurt. Anyway, the relationship ended abruptly, horrifically, and left the girl beyond devastated.

Along her journey, girl has learned more of her ‘little girl’ and as unslavelike as it may sound, the little girl tends to be out more than she stays hidden. She has a good Friend who can lure her from the shadows, into the light to play, laugh, color, and explore. However, He has has brought up the topic of being 'property' for a Master... which scares that little girl. She has never been property before, isn’t sure if she is strong enough for everything it entails. The slave part of this girl, is strong enough and desires those black/white boundaries that come with being 'property', but the little girl needs, longs, craves that playful attention from Daddy and being allowed to stray a bit before Daddy brings her back to Him.

The little girl has such high expectations from Daddy, needs so much of His guidance and support that she cannot serve without expecting anything in return. Not that it is the only reason she serves Daddy, she does want to make Him happy and please Him, but she also needs Him. Property is focused solely on His needs, His desires, His pleasure. Her own comes from His being pleased and taken care of. Property does not serve because of what she can get from Him or for His attention afterwards, but simply because her only focus is pleasing Him. Then again, a little girl only wants to make Daddy happy and proud of her... Hmm... Maybe she can be both? A girl’s mind doesn’t think so, but this quote gives her hope.

A Master will know every inch, and care for every inch of one of his slave girls. He will know every hair, every sweet blemish on her. In a way she is nothing to him, for she is only slave. But in another way she is very important to him. She is one of his women. He will want to know her completely, every inch of her body, every inch of her mind. Nothing less will satisfy him. She is his property. He will choose to know his property thoroughly.
~ Hunters of Gor, page 145