The Time Traveler's Wife

The Time Traveler's Wife:

When Henry DeTamble meets Clare Abshire in a Chicago library they both understand that he is a time traveller, but she she knows much more than this about him as he has not yet been to the times and places where they have met before. He falls in love with her, as she has already with him, but his continuing unavoidable absences time travelling - and then returning with increasing knowledge of their future - makes things ever more difficult for Clare.

There has been many times that I, as well as friends of mine, have said that we wished we knew who the right Person for us is... in this movie, Clare knew.  She knew from a little girl that she was meant to be with Henry.... This movie takes a peek at the perspective of the loss of free that came with that knowledge.  I'm not sure that I would be willing/able to sacrifice my free will to know the end results... 

coddling vs immaturity

I have been having some disagreements/debates with my online friends regarding coddling of a slave and immaturity on the Master's end.  I am an adult and feel in a power exchange relationship that both should give to the relationship and to the other person.  However I don't want to be overly pampered or coddled, I need to be held accountable and to make corrections to displeasing behaviors.  But at the same time, I don't want to be chastised and degraded just because someone else needs an ego boost.  If I am wrong, then I am wrong.  But when I am right, the other person needs to suck it up and admit that they were wrong.  One friend in particular, has been lashing out rather dramatically the last few days -- from a professional point of view I can see that these behaviors are cries for reassurance and a sense of security.  As a slave, a pouty Master who is having a tantrum pisses me off.  If he cannot control his emotions, including his anger, then he will not be able to control another person. 

I don't believe in horoscopes but sometimes they are eerily accurate.  As I was thinking about these things yesterday, wondering how I fit into it... here is what my horoscope said:

Leo: Jan 15 2011.

Insecure people are often the ones who defend themselves the loudest, are the most aggressive about being catered to, and they often demand constant reassurance. In other words, they know that it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. Although you are rarely insecure, you could learn something from this. There is something you want to make happen. You feel confident that it should. But it may be better to approach the situation in a more assertive way. Put a spotlight on the issue, and you'll be sure to get what you need.

Being yourself

So far 2011 is starting with a bang, I don't mind so much because I am confident that this will be a great year.  I have felt pretty good, dealing with flares as they come.  We have had so much snow that it was beginning to feel like I lived in a snow-globe!  my Puppy is making me laugh and work has been good.

I'm still a bit confused/lost when it comes to my slavery/service and what path I want to take as far as relationships go.  In my heart, I am submissive...  Yet in my mind, I'm not sure anymore.  I am blessed with a family and friends who like me just the way I am... even if I'm not sure who that is :)

Looking back...

How true this feels...

Especially lately...

I miss you, Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today is my Dad's birthday... he would have been 53.  January first has seven months since we lost him, everyone says it will get easier but it hasn't.


Sometimes when I have be out of town and pull into the driveway, I will see his truck parked next to the house and think he is home.  Finding his chair empty and the dark house chilly, I am reminded that he is gone.  After seven months you would think I would stop looking for him... 


The holidays weren't that bad, but the first few days of January have been really hard.  I think about him everyday, but it seems that everyone else has moved on.  We are using kerosene to heat again, that was always something he and I did together.  Every evening when I drape a towel across the driver's side of the windshield to keep it from icing I think of him, of how I laughed watching him try and scrape the towel off the icy glass.  I miss the way he kept his television so loud that it echoed in the rest of the house, the way he would smack his lips after he drank a cold glass of iced tea.  


I hope Dad is having a wonderful birthday... I know he is happy, safe, and healthy... as much as I love him and miss him, I can't be selfish enough to wish for him back.  

Repossession

I wish it were possible to approach and Ex and get things back that were lost in the relationship.  I would go to D, in a heartbeat, and get back pixie's self esteem, unbroken heart, hopes and dreams, and most importantly... I would get her confidence.  

I love you pixie so very much, you will make it through this... you deserve Someone amazing who can see what He has when He has you... not after.

Would be Nice

I seem to always the adult.... its exhausting to be the one to always handle everything.... I don't mind being an adult, but it would be nice to either have support or at least have a way to share responsibilities....  


When its late at night and there is a car outside, I have a fantasy of having a Partner who would say "elana, go back in the house and I will see what is going on and/or take care of it."  That would be nice sometimes... 
   

Unconditional Love in 2011

"Living consciously involves being genuine; it involves listening and responding to others honestly and openly; it involves being in the moment." - Sidney Poitier


I have been giving this a lot of thought and I want to live consciously this year. This means that in order to do this, I will have to open my heart to unconditional love. Yes I love my puppy, my family/friends, and my job... but I want to learn to love me again, unconditionally.  Only then will my heart be ready to love another and allow him to love me in return.  I'm not unrealistic, I realize that love between adults will naturally have conditions... yet the love we have for ourselves should have no boundaries.


I found an article by Dr Tim Ong and this is what he recommends to those who are seeking hearts open to unconditional love:

There are four steps involved in opening our heart to love:
1. Acceptance: That we are worthy of love.
2. Forgiveness: Others and ourselves.
3. Expression: Turning a negative into a positive.
4. Actions: Sharing love with others will help us love ourselves.

Some of these I have been working on, yet Dr Ong explains how to take these steps a bit further to truly put these things into action.


The thing is that I'm not trying to become totally self involved or completely conceited, but I am realizing that I tend to expect too much of myself, being too hard on myself allows others to place unrealistic expectations on me also... and the truth is that if I can't love me, no one else will be able to.