2010

 Looking back on my resolutions from 2010, I see that (while I have traveled the long hard road to get here), I think I am where I need to be at the closing of this year. 

While 2010 was a very difficult one, I have been very blessed.  Yes I lost my Dad (RIP), but he is finally at peace and in no more pain - for that I am thankful.  Yes I have been through medical hell the last seven months, but it has reminded me that life is too short to be wasted.  Yes I have spent the last three weeks sick with pneumonia, but it has brought my family closer together.  

Goodbye 2010, thank you for your blessings in disguise but I truly hope that 2011 is kinder and brings more laughter than tears, more joy than pain, and a hell of a lot more fun. 

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author Unknown 

Rant about personal responsibility

I wish the stage were like a tight rope 200 feet high with no net.. then only the most skilled would attempt to step upon it.   - Sanford Meisner

I ran across a profile on collarme that almost made me sick at my stomach. In a way, my heart broke for this girl - but at the same time I can't imagine entering a power exchange relationship and NOT educating yourself first!

"i used to have illusions about being smart and going to college and having a family, but luckily i met my first trainer who taught me what a useless thing i am unless my holes are being used to please and amuse my betters."

Who would be to blame in this situation? Neither people seem to know what they are doing, how much of the responsibility to teach her does the "dominant" have and now much of that education is her own responsibility? I could understand several decades ago when the majority of things were underground and you had to know someone who knew someone who knew someone... but now with the internet, there is a world of information at her fingertips. Today it is easy to find local munch/discussion groups to gain experience in a safe environment...then again, one would have to glean what they desire to explore from the plethora of knowledge out there. 

I have often read the profiles of 19 year old "dominates" (both male and female), and am perplexed by how many of this new generation feel that power exchange is either about financial exploitation or about easy sex with no responsibility. Unfortunately there are others, not just the young newbies, who feel the same way... hence the profile about the young girl throwing her life away to be an "useless thing i am unless my holes are being used to please and amuse my betters". That makes my heart break to see potential tossed aside for some loser who finds his (or her) self worth by destroying others. 

I'm not sure exactly what the focus of the rant is other than it is exhausting to weed through those who know what they are doing and those who are uneducated mimickers.  It can be discouraging when our paths seem to be overwhelmed by those who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.  But I do believe, male or female, dominant or submissive, every person is responsible for their own desires, education, and experiences.  There are no more excuses, everyone was new at one time or another -- that is what local discussion/munch groups are for... learning - no matter what your experience level.

 

Remember Thumper

" If you can't say something nice,
don't say nothing at all." 

It's been a rough few weeks, caught up in a fibro/lupus flare up while recovering from the pneumonia.  Things at home are good, I'm recovering and feeling better each day...  But work... Oh work... Let's just say that I have had this on my mind while I've been working -- which is why I've been quiet. :) 

Remembering Thumper has made me think of Dad, he used to say "Now, elana, remember Thumper".   Somehow it has made me miss him a little less during the holidays...

Christmas gift suggestions

Christmas gift suggestions: 

To your enemy, forgiveness. 

To an opponent, tolerance. 

To a friend, your heart. 

To a customer, service. 

To all, charity. 

To every child, a good example. 

To yourself, respect. 

~Oren Arnold

True Strength

 by purplekit94 on Polyvore.com

I am strong, because I am weak.

I am beautiful, because I know my flaws.

I am a lover, because I am a fighter.

I am fearless, because I have been afraid.

I am wise, because I have been foolish.

And I can laugh, because I've known sadness.

These words have given me strength lately...

Update

Pneumonia + Lupus = 
A very sick girl  

Thank you Puppy for checking on me, hope you recover smoothly quickly too!  I must say, your way of taking your temp sounds much more fun than the way I am doing it. ;-) 

I Haz A Bug

Being sick sucks.

I miss being able to breathe without coughing.

I miss having a voice.

I miss not having to check my temperature all the time.

And I miss my Dad... He was the best at taking care of me while I was sick.  But I am making it.   

Monster in her man

"The girl needs some monster in her man, and that's not in your nature." - Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Truer words have never been spoken, and recently I am hearing them about the vanilla guys I seem to be attracting right now.  While the time with the vanilla guys are slightly different than my time spent with dominant guys, maybe it won't be so bad?  I'm curious to see, though, how it will go... as more time is spent...

And the thing is, I like my evil like I like my men - evil. You know, "strait up, black hat, tied to the train tracks, soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis," bad. Not all mixed up with guilt and the destruction of an indigenous culture.
~ Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Honoring Veterans

I was brought up to have great respect and appreciation for our Veterans.  my Dad was very patriotic and brought Grace and myself up to understand that our lives are made possible by thousands of soldiers over the years.  my Paternal Grandfather served.  my Dad was so very proud of him!  I was brought up to offer a humble heartfelt "thank you" to all I meet who have served or are serving...  So many people take for granted the very things that so many have died for...  I find myself doing it, even on collarme or fetlife, when I run across a profile of a current or former soldier, I always write to say thank you.  my Dad taught me to do that... He taught me by example, always going out of his way to help a Veteran.  

For almost two years, I sent care packages overseas to random soldiers.  I got a list of names offline of people who are serving that don't get much mail.  I sent probably thirty packages, anything from beef jerky to music CD's I made to stamps and one time I sent a package of Christmas cards for them to send back home.  I got a few letters of thanks in return, but I didn't do it for that... I did it with my Dad.  But as he got sicker, I couldn't afford it anymore...

As much as I love and respect him, he honored them.  So on these days set aside to pay tribute to those who have sacrificed, not only do I think of them, I miss my Dad.

I won't lie, Pixie's son J is preparing to enter the Marines... and as much as I am praying for his safety and a safe return, I know my Dad is so very proud of him!  Not that I need another reason to be proud of him for his choice... it helps. :) 

 To all that have served or are serving, thank you... so very much for the sacrifices you and your family have made or are making... for me and my family.

Fear

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.
~ Yoda

The last few months have been really rough, but the last few years have been hard too because I have let fear take over a very important part of my personality.  I'm tired of always being afraid.  I don't want to be afraid anymore, I'm tired of the suffering that it brings and the trapped feeling that smothers me.  Yes I might get my heart broken, but otherwise I cannot experience love.  Yes I might get my spirit hurt, but otherwise I won't be able to truly serve Another unless I lose my fear of connecting to a Master and opening myself up...  I don't want to be isolated anymore, even at the risk of getting hurt. 

Considering my experiences, a lot of things I always feared have happened.  Losing my Dad, having a serious relationship end, having an intense ownership power exchange end, a best friend passing, getting fired, almost dying myself, having a brush with cancer, nonconsensual sex, being on the angry fist side of a drunk boyfriend, etc... After looking back, what else could I be afraid of that I haven't experienced in some way?

So perhaps the only way to set myself free from being so scared is to just... step forward?  A day at a time, embracing opportunities with no fear.... "No fear" isn't exactly realistic, but perhaps beginning each day with the desire to take changes will be stronger than my fears... to the point of eventually, the darkness of fear is pushed away with the light of life.   

Random thoughts on this cold drizzly Saturday...

Crazy BDSM Quiz

So I'm seeing results for this quiz all over the place and thought I would take it.  The results made me giggle a bit. 

You Scored as Submissive.  It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.


Submissive                                93%
Experimental                              68%
Masochist                                   57%
Degradation Lover                    54%
Bondage                                     46%
Switch                                         36%
Sadist                                         32%
Vanilla                                        29%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur                25%
Dominant                                      0%

Just by Being You (Halo and Wings)

This song speaks so strongly to my little girl side, whenever I hear it on the radio I almost always cry... This afternoon, as I listened to it while in the shower... I knew I had to share.







Just by Being You (Halo and Wings)Sung by Steel Magnolia
Let's run away Where nothing stands between me and you Let's find a place Somewhere a little closer to a dream And call it a home Where there's no right and wrong And we can be all alone 
Chorus And I'll take off my halo If you take off your wings. You don't have to be invincible Cause I sure ain't no saint You'll always be my angel No matter what you do, Cause you take me to heaven just by being you 
Tell me a secret Tell me things no one else should know Even in your weakness Baby drop your guard just let it go Until everything's exposed And you don't have to feel ashamed Baby just say my name 
Chorus 
When I see you standing there You know it all becomes so clear The way you look The way you touch I need the way you lift me up This will never feel complete Until there's nothing in between And we have brought down every wall And baby, baby, baby lets just fall 
Chorus 
Oh You take me to heaven Just by being you 
Let's run away Let's run away

Kinky Scouts

I have been a Girl Scout forever and a decade, but today while browsing fetlife I found information on Kinky Scouts!  A Kinky Scout Handbook and stitched badges, these are too cute!  I had to share.  These are the badges I would want to collect first *grin*

The Ball-Gag Badge:

The Shibari Badge:

The Spanking Badge!

And my favorite, within a power exchange relationship, the Deep Throat Badge... or rather, the face-fucking badge *grin*

The creative people who made the sash, Jed Phoenix of London, offers amazing fetish wear!  Here is the sash they have developed for fellow Kinky Scouts!

I'm starting to think I would look totally cute as a Kinky Scout!!  Look how adorable the badges look on it!  I just hope I don't have to sell cookies again....

Kitchen Duty

Service submissive vs. Housekeeper. What’s the difference between drudgery and service? What makes your service different than what you can pay for?  

~ Topic provided by Sensual Services

 I'm truly not a lazy girl but I do have an intense reaction when someone tells me he wants me to "cook and clean for him, while giving him as much sex as he wants and never saying no".  I understand that ultimately this is the male fantasy and that if I truly wish to serve Someone this will be part of the deal...  I have written about this before a few times, I tend to sound whiny or pouty. 

I have been in several environments where I end up waiting on someone hand-and-foot while that person doesn't do anything at all.  And then when I am having a bad day where I cannot do those things (because of my fibro), I don't get any help at all.  After a while, it leads to resentment and anger, and those are things that cannot exist between a Master and slave or Daddy and girl.  

I get so frustrated when a guy defines "mastery" as "having her cook, clean, and suck me off". That tells me two things, he is lazy and he has no clue what he is talking about. So naturally I get upset whenever someone defines my surrender n the same fashion.

But I am realizing what bothers me the most, is that while these are aspects of my surrender it is often communicated to be all of his mastery. For the right One, I would take care of His home, especially if He was ensuring that my needs were being met.  But I don't want that to be the ONLY way that I feel His control.  I don't want those domestic chores to be my ONLY acts of surrender to Him.

I know that I haven't exactly answered the journal prompt question, but this is the best I can do right now... considering how touchy this subject is for me. 

If that exchange of power exists beyond the cooking/cleaning/easy sex routine... then I can't exactly let Him starve could I? 

Looking before you LEEP

Two weeks ago, I had a routine PAP smear.  Less than 24 hours after the appointment, I was being called to come back to the office to have a cervical biopsy done.  At that procedure, it was confirmed that I would need to have to undergo the LEEP Procedure, along with some other biopsies, dnc and whatnot -- not only to rule out cervical cancer but to remove my endometriosis (while they are in there, they did it all).  I was terrified!  I prayed a lot, I talked to people who have had several of the things done, and then I took a break.  I disconnected mentally a bit so I could just... breathe.  Its exhausting to put on a fresh coat of paint for everyone and I have very few people in my life (maybe 1?) that I can be completely honest with.  I understand that my Mom and Grace were scared, I couldn't talk to either of them without them bursting into tears or brushing me off completely.  As much as I love Pixie, she wasn't able to talk with me about it either.  Thankfully, Master-J was there and He listened... I will always be thankful to Him for that.  Sometimes it sucks being 'the strong person' in a family or a group of friends.  :)   I think I feared a fibro/lupus reaction after the procedure more than anything.  I really didn't have a fear that it would be cervical cancer or anything, worst case scenario would have been that I gotten a hysterectomy and taken some medication.  

Anyway.  Surgery was successful on Thursday, I go back for pathology reports and results and all that good stuff later on this week. I remember bits and pieces of what happened afterwards. I remember a nurse telling me to "wake up and breathe", I remember a different nurse telling me it was a little worse than the Doctor expected but that he got everything.  


I feel better, but it kind of sank in this weekend that... I was *this*close* to having cervical cancer.  The Nurse that I clearly remember, the one that brought my family in after recovery, asked me beforehand if I had HPV.  No, I haven't been diagnosed with HPV or anything of that nature.  One time I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (thanks again for that, MountainMan) but it cleared up quickly with appropriate treatment.  

So far, no fibro/lupus issues lingering behind... except for some respiratory difficulties.  But I've been thinking lately about women who do not get regularly scheduled PAP Smears.  I have went every year since high school, except for last year when I was so sick in the hospital.  So within a few short months I developed severe dysplasia that could have lead to CANCER.  That is some scary shit.. especially whenever you can be tested in a few awkward moments every twelve months.  


So while I was looking around online today, I found this cool webpage that boasts it will send you an email reminder when it is time to get your annual PAP!  How brilliant is that?!  Go HERE and click the link to Sign up for Your PAP Reminders.  


Support the LACE Campaign! 


I'll end up adding this picture and link to my blog :)  


Better safe that cooter-less.  lol   

A Barbed What?!

Yes I love barbed wire, I grew up with it everywhere. I love the look of it, it says home to me. I like how it is strong and masculine yet delicate at the same time.  I have experienced barbed wire in a form of bondage, as cuffs, as decorative touches of rope work around my breasts, etc... I love the thought of barbed wire as a mind fuck, as a reenforcement of control, and how it looks against my skin, biting in...  


Yes I love floggers, heavy thuddy rhythmic swings onto my ass and back.  Cool caress of the material over my skin in anticipation... I love it.  

So in theory, I should love a flogger made of barbed wire... right?

Made by Splinter

Pretty to see, would love to touch but not using it on me. Nope.

Or to use D/s lingo: Red.

You want to use that barbed wire flogger on *MY* ass??

This is Losti, bless her bleeding chunks of ass missing heart.

Oh Fuck no -- Red.

I am serious, I don't mean I will give in if you keep pushing, Light-Red.

I mean I will hunt you down like a dog, shoot you in the head, and strangle you until you are dead, feed you to swine and burn your leftovers dead -- if you touch me with that fucking thing,

STOP SIGN-RED.

Hope that clarified things :)

Headless FuckSlut

This afternoon I was reading kaya's blog and she posted something that took my made me stop in my tracks!  Not sure if it was because I was horrified or secretly curious.  Objectification is something I used to embrace to the point of completely disconnecting emotionally.  But this picture brings it to a whole new level. 

There is a hole in the floor that holds her head down, completely still and trapped.  Not only that, but she is exposed, presented, and held captive for Their pleasure use abuse and Heavens knows what.  There is not a female there, she is not "present" -- she is just an ass and cunt.  Literally!  

Look at the environment, it adds to it I would imagine... dirty on the floor... masked Man using her... an audience - can she hear them laughing?  breathing?  discussing what they are watching?  Maybe they are encouraging the Mystery Man to use her harder/deeper/faster? 

But then to make it worse (or hotter maybe?) there is an inferred camera on her face under the floor so that every aspect of her is presented for Their view, amusement, and she is utterly exposed in every way.  She cannot disconnect because everything is out there in the open.  Makes me wonder if they are commenting on her expressions, her sounds, etc... Is there a microphone down there to project her whimpers, moans, cries, and panting?  Or maybe there isn't and that adds to the helpless feeling?  



Anyway, it got me thinking.  Still unsure what I think or how I feel about it.  I'm a little to claustrophobic to be in there myself, but there is an alternative for those who would like to experience it, practice it, and NOT cut a hole in the floor. 


Pick up this little beauty at the Bondage Blog.  It will be easier on His knees and also be a lot less cleaning (because of not having to get up all the sawdust).  Not to mention it would put "the cunt and ass" (not female participant) more to eye level for your audience's enjoyment :) 


Thank you Kaya for your discovery!!

Struggling... A Butterfly's Story

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.


But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened!

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

And we would never fly.

~Author Unknown

While we all have struggles and trials, I truly believe that I am going through a process of emerging... yes things are hard right now... yes I am struggling in different areas of my life right now... but it is forcing strength into all of the parts of my world... and when I come through on the other side, I will be stronger and able to fly.

Country Strong

Country Strong

Sung by Gwyneth Paltrow

For the movie, Country Strong.

I know you see me

Like some wide eyed dreamer

That just rolled in off a dusty mid west bus

Yeah, on the outside I look fragile

But on the inside is something you can’t crush

Cause I'm country strong

Hard to break

Like the ground I grew up on

You may fool me

And I'll fall

But I won’t stay down long

Cause I’m country strong

I have weathered

Colder winters; Longer summers

Without a drop of rain

Push me in a corner

And I’ll come out fighting

I may lose but I‘ll always keep my faith

Cause I’m country strong

Hard to break

Like the ground I grew up on

You may fool me

And I’ll fall

But I won’t stay down long

Cause I’m country strong

Cause I’m country strong

Hard to break

Like the ground I grew up on

You may fool me

And I’ll fall

But I won’t stay down long

Cause I’m country strong

I’m country strong

Yeah, I’m country strong

I’m country strong

I’m country strong

I’m country strong