What to expect...

So a few nights ago I stumbled across this article, What To Expect When Dating A Woman Who’s Been Single For A Long Time, and it made me think about how many of those things are true for me and how these might come into play within a D/s relationship.  The article lists things like she enjoys alone time, she has protective walls in place, and she's not used to having help but she will embrace it.  I think if I were making a list for submissives who have been unowned for a long time...  especially about myself...  I think I would list some of the same things but maybe one or two different ones.

1.  I am not disillusioned or bitter, I am cautious.  No one wants to believe that a functioning D/s relationship is possible in today's world more than I feel it is.  I need to trust you before I submit, surrender is too intimate for me to jump blindly.

2.  As much as I ache to surrender... I'm scared of it.  To quote the article, I've been "keeping my emotions in check" for so long and been protecting myself, taking care of myself, that the walls that I've used to do those things need to come down before I can really let you in... and I know that.  I want that.  But there isn't a match switch that causes them to collapse... and then once the walls are down, I need your guidance to help me reestablish that I'm ok again without those walls... that I can trust you to take care of me while I'm vulnerable.  

3.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I love to read and have develop ways to self-soothe...  I am uncomfortable being up under someone 24/7 or having someone up under me.  If that is something you desire and we get along well, it will take time to get to that point.  I'm not saying that I don't want any contact, I just need the ability sometimes to read or netflix or blog for a half hour without fifty "wut u doin" texts.


Just a few thoughts... 

hmm...

uh... yes please! 

Intimacy...

I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other's wounds; they repair the broken skin. 

- Lauren Oliver, Pandemonium

I think its more about quietening the other person's demons... a merging of souls so that the broken cracks are now filled with life and hope...  

I've always been super quiet about my romantic side, well except for the times it has came out on this blog... but I find myself thinking about it more and more lately... I don't know if I'm hoping for something like this or using these thoughts to shield myself from those I meet... 

I hate the way that conversations I have now are good at first but then five minutes in, I'm totally bored.  I hate those quiet awkward silences where no matter what topic I bring up the guy says "uh ha yeah, so you're cute."  Or just keep saying "so when can I hold you?"  Uh... if you can't hold a conversation with me for more than five minutes then you aren't going to hold my body anytime soon.  That makes me sound like a total bitch but I just.... I need someone who can capture my attention and that I have his.  


Update: Crazy scattered, sorry! 

What I want...

In my eyes, she is beautiful.  You say she asks if I want a full marriage and the answer is yes I do.  I want a real marriage, a true marriage, with everything that that involves.  I love her....  I am happy and tickled and bursting with pride that she would agree to be my wife.  and I want us to live as closely as two people can for the time that remains to us on earth.   

- Mr Carson about Mrs Hughes, Downton Abbey. 

I know that it's cheesy... 

I know that it's fake and scripted... 

But this is what I want.  I don't need to be swept off of my feet or promised the world... I want him to just... want to be close to me for the time we are together....     

being broken

Even though I relate strongly to this one some level.... I'm not as broken today as I have been in the past.  And next month, I hope to be even less broken.  :) 

Quiz

Normally these quizzes get me tickled... but I took one this evening that made me stop and think... I know that it isn't really real, but I thought I'd share it anyway... because I'd like to think that on a good day it might be true. :)    

Well, maybe  not the 'wise' part lol 

You Have Been Chopped.

There is a show on the Food Network called Chopped.  The short summary of the show is that four chefs play three rounds of the cooking game.  After each round, one of the contestants is 'Chopped' or eliminated until there is a winner.  When the contestants are close and the judges cannot not decide who should go, they will chop based on basic mistakes made earlier in the game.  This always bothered me... Then I realized that I hate when this happens in relationships.

As I am getting to know someone, and He me, we find those little things that are OK along the way.  When a bigger issue comes up, then we end things and move on.  But sometimes there is that time where I have been chopped for something that happened in the beginning, that I thought we had moved passed...  That is when things really suck.  I don't understand how something that can bother someone so much - enough to end things, can go unmentioned for weeks or months until suddenly - oh yes, remember several months ago when you fell asleep on the phone?  Yes that's why I don't want to see you again.  Looking back, I can see that the person was searching for excuses, but I'm just now finding the desire to blog about it. 

Now I am guilty of letting things build, the first time or two something happens I won't mention it... but after a couple times of it happening, I will speak to Him about it.  But I don't use words like "always or never", etc.   But when it is something we have discussed multiple times and it doesn't change, then I will chop him.   

Just some thoughts swirling around my brain this morning.