Desire to Belong

be·long     

[bih-lawng, -long] 

–verb (used without object)
1. to be in the relation of a member, adherent, inhabitant, etc.(usually followed by to ): He belongs to the Knights of Columbus.
2. to have the proper qualifications, especially socialqualifications, to be a member of a group: You don't belong inthis club.
3. to be proper or due; be properly or appropriately placed,situated, etc.: Books belong in every home. This belongs onthe shelf. He is a statesman who belongs among the great.


—Verb phrase
4.
belong to,
a.  to be the property of: The book belongs to her.
b. to be a part or adjunct of: That cover belongs to this jar.

I need to belong.

I don't want to just 'be His'.

I don't want Him to have some sense of assumed entitlement to me.

I don't want him to simply 'own me'.

I want to belong to Him.

Belong.

To.

Him.

I want someone who will be as invested in ‘us’ and the exchange of power as I am... as willing to make it work.  I hope for someone who might want to at least hear my voice throughout the day or text me to say hello but I’m beginning to realize that may be a bit too much to wish for.

My puppy belongs to me.  She is not only my pet but my responsibility.  I take care of her, even on days I don’t feel good or feel like it, because she is mine.  She belongs to me.  I know it upsets her a great deal when I leave her outside in the fenced in play pen all night, so no matter how exhausted I am when I get home or how badly I’m hurting, I bring her in and play with her.  I want to do everything in my power for her to be happy, healthy, and a good pet for me… because she belongs to me, I actively take responsibility for her well being.  That’s what I mean by I want to belong... 

Yes I am demanding.  Yes I am emotional.  Yes I struggle with abandonment demons that I don’t feel strong enough to conquer on my own.  Yes I have a great deal going on right now and desperately am seeking a way to find/maintain balance in my life...  but I am a good girl.  I have to believe I would be worth it in the long run. 

I don’t understand... maybe I'm being unrealistic. 

Pity Party: Table for one

A while ago I added this feature to my blog that offers suggestions of past blog posts the reader might enjoy with each new thing that is posted.  I went on today to look at tweaking my blog a bit and seen a link to a post that... brought tears...  It is: Something to Believe In

It's been a rough few weeks, so much is going on... I haven't been feeling well, work is going crazy, and my family has been requiring so much of my time/attention... Sounds like life, eh?  I'm trying so hard not to become discouraged, but it feels like my heart cannot take anymore... Maybe it isn't meant for everyone?  But why would I have this craving for surrender, this yearning for Another's control if it wasn't something I can have?  I know, I know... Elana it just isn't the right Guy... Elana it isn't the right time... I'm just beginning to wonder if either of those two truly exists.

I wish I could turn it off, learn to become vanilla.  There are plenty of vanilla guys out there sniffing around, if only I could make myself settle for that...  I think that's the only thing worse than this... Forcing myself to maintain a one sided relationship (because my needs aren't met in a vanilla relationship) while pretending not to hear my heart breaking each night...   At least now, when that small soft voice is hurting at night I can reassure myself that at least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not in the daylight.  I tend to do that anyway, forcing a smile, taking care of my responsibilities without admitting my own needs... 

But it will pass, soon it will be another day and I will be scrambling to tend to everyone else... hoping that if I exhaust myself enough I won't hear my heart tonight... wanting more...

April's Fool

HIStory is calling again, suddenly interested - again...  Something about feeling connected to Him, even though its been a little while... He says the right things, things I haven't heard in a really long time... So I thought, what could it hurt?  I've been hurt before, so what's one more time?  

It seems I fell for it again... That's ok, I'm learning each time.  And you know what they say: 'Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.'  

I won't fall for it a third time.