Flowers

Its funny what we remember. my Dad was a horrible gardener, he loved the thought of growing his own vegetables (especially tomatoes) and flowers, but was easily discouraged by his lack of natural ability. I get my struggles with horticulture from him. I know in my brain what to do, I've been instructed by some of the best. I know what to do with my hands, I've been taught numerous times to plant, transfer, etc... But the watering is what I can't get a handle on. Neither could Dad. I used to laugh and shake my head every time I would see him hauling water to potted plants around our house. He would wait until it rained, as if it triggered the memory of the flowers needing water. He would see me and smile, saying "elana I figure God is the master-gardener... and if He needs to water His flowers, then so do I." Which of course would crack me up and I would say, "Ok Dad, you go right ahead."

I hadn't thought of that in years... And today as I was on my way home from a meeting, it began to sprinkle. I thought of my Dad. When I got home, I filled the pitcher and began watering my plants...

I know it sounds silly, to water when its raining...
but I figure God is the master-gardener...
if He needs to water His flowers,
then so do I.

lost in grief

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if
I were beside you there.
~ Isla Paschal Richardson

I know that is what Dad would want. I've tried so hard to give that to him -- or rather to his memory. This afternoon, I'm not strong enough. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss getting angry at him. I miss fighting with him. I miss laughing with him. I just miss him, everything about him. The way he smells, the way he laughs, the way he snores, even the way he cries.

I am so confused right now, everything is going crazy and I can't catch my breath. Work is moving to fast. Some friends are putting way too much pressure on me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know anything right now -- just that I miss him and I don't want to be where I'm at. No, I don't know where I would rather be instead. I'm doing a pretty good job faking it, I think that most people have moved on to something else... but I can't. I don't know how.

I can't sleep. Last night I took a sleep aid for the first time ever and all it did was give me the worst dream yet... and a headache today. I haven't slept in weeks... my dreams are getting worse and I think I'm losing it. I don't know why I can't sleep, and no I don't want to talk about. There is nothing to talk about. My Dad died. Not her husband, not her father, not his father in law, my Dad. My Dad died... and I can't seem to let go of how much it hurts.

I feel so messed up that I don't know if I am coming or going

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to

Alice: I don't much care where.

The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.

0The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Quizzes

elana took the "What's your ideal man?" quiz and the result is The Cowboy.

If he has snakeskin boots and a wide brimmed hat, your hearts a fluttering! He is fearless, loves to get down and dirty, and not afraid of hard work. He is a loyal family man, and wants to provide for them in any way possible. He loves riding horses, training horses, caring for livestock, agriculture and has a deep love for dogs. He is not one to rely soley on his physical skills, as most Cowboys are also highly intelligent. Not only is he good on the farm, but he's also talented at sweet talking you and could lasso your heart a mile away. There is no shortage of charm with the Cowboys, for them chivalry is not dead and never will be. For a rough and tumble type, he really does have a soft inner core when it comes to loved ones, and he isn't afraid to show it.

elana took the "What is the symbol of your personality?" Quiz.

You are very loved. Everyone finds you a welcoming, warm person. They look to you for advice and comfort, and someone to just have a good time with. Your personality is seen as cliche and average, but in truth, you have talents and skills and ideas that no one has thought of before. You are someone with style. You are good with colors, and you know how to color people's worlds and minds to your way. You think new relationships are a coloring book, to fill them in with fulfilling conversations and meetings. You may seem nice and perfect and beautiful, you have a policy of "forgive but never forget". You always remember your enemies if you have any, and you know where to steer. Sometimes, when you're completely lost, you are dependent on friends for help. You hope they'll be there for you, but sometimes you fear that they won't be. That is something you are afraid of. You are ready to give, but you are also ready to accept. To many, it seems like you change your personality just for different people, but in fact, you are the one thing that's not changing. Other people grow on you, and grow fond of you, not the other way around. You are always yourself, and you are definite.

elana took the "What were you in a past life?" quiz and the result is Barmaid.

You were a barmaid. You lived to serve others. For the longest time, you thought your name was wench. You were a sweet thing, but could stand your ground at times. Your self esteem was sometimes low, as men tended to belittle you at times, but you found the courage when needed to slap a man for bad behavior. In this life, you are the life of the party, you know how to manipulate people to get what you want, but you can still be as nice as you can be.

elana took the "Are YOU a Southern Bell or a Redneck Princess?" quiz and the result is Dixie Sweetheart.

A Southern woman with etiquette, but a bit sweeter. You're more likey to step aside if you know something will make them happy. Quite a bit more shy than the Southern Bell and way classier than the Redneck Woman. Any man taking you out better have charm and know how to speak up when he likes you.

Putting Her Stamp On Things

The Post Office has released a stamp honoring Katharine Hepburn! I love her!

According to the Wikipedia:

"Hepburn holds the record for the most Best Actress Oscar wins with four, from 12 nominations. Hepburn won an Emmy Award in 1976 for her lead role in Love Among the Ruins, and was nominated for four other Emmys, two Tony Awards and eight Golden Globes. In 1999, the American American Film Institute ranked Hepburn as the greatest female star in the history of American cinema."

"Katharine Hepburn will be remembered for generations, for both her unparalleled acting ability and being a role model for women who chose to live life on their own terms,"Postmaster General John Potter said in a statement." This article posted on Yahoo News has more information.

I will get a couple of her stamps, not because they are so beautiful or because I have a lot of things to mail, but because I greatly respected her.

Some of my favorite quotes by Katharine Hepburn are:

• Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.
• As for me, prizes are nothing. My prize is my work.
• I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.
• Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around.
• My greatest strength is common sense. I'm really a standard brand - like Campbell's tomato soup or Baker's chocolate.
• Without discipline, there's no life at all.

Happy Birthday Pixie!

Sending very happy birthday wishes to my dearest sister, Pixie.

If I was able to give you exactly what your heart desires, I would do so in a heartbeat. We have been through so much over the last year, both personally and together. I am blessed with your friendship, your support, and your unconditional love. Please know that I am here for you, completely supporting you in whatever choice you make.

You mean the world to me,

and I will be there whenever you need me.

I love you sis, I hope you have a very happy birthday!

Becoming Integrated

I was watching an episode of 'United States of Tara', a show about a woman who has Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (used to be called multiple personalities). At first, I watched because I love Toni Collette but I have fallen in love with the main character Tara, played by Collette. I have been able to relate with Tara in some way, but never realized how or why... until last night. (No I am not saying that I have DID!) But in some way, I tend to see the parts of me as different personalities... Often I have talked about the little girl, the slave, the submissive, and my vanilla side... When one of those roles takes over, it feels as though the 'thinking vanilla' side of me has little control. Its like those needs overwhelm me and everything changes in my world for that time period.

Strada used to tell me that my vanilla self and my submissive self were two sides of the same coin, and while that helped me find peace with my changing needs then... that advice has come back to me with this episode and makes much more sense now. He did help me see that I needed to begin to think of myself as an integrated person, not just someone with a bunch of loose ends. Thank you for that, Sir!

Anyway, the light came on when I was watching that episode. I want to learn to love all of me again, not shun this part or that part because she -- because I am "to needy".

I forgot...

Tonight I forgot and started thinking about what I would take him tomorrow when I went to go see him. my heart is screaming that it isn't real, that it was a dream. That as soon as I get there tomorrow my Dad will be there and everything will be "back to normal". I started shuffling through pictures on my cell phone, looking for that joke a girl at work sent me I wanted to show him... and I run across the picture of his grave with the flowers from the service on it... and I remember. And I lose him all over again. When will it feel real? When will I be able to accept that this is my new reality?

I thought the hardest thing I would have to do would be to sign him into a nursing home (in august 09)... but there was no other way to ensure he was taken care of. Then I thought the hardest thing I would have to do is sign papers so they could incubate him to try and save him... But that was a no brainer, I wasn't ready to let him go so soon. And then the decision had to be made to let him go and I was the one to do that too... At that point, I just wanted Dad to be at peace and out of pain... but now, I want him back. I still need him.... I hate myself in these moments, my selfishness knowing that even another second of him isnt worth the pain and misery he was in for so long... Louder my heart tells me it isn't real, that this has been a horrible dream from too much stress and not enough reset... And I get lost all over again.

When does it stop?

When will I feel normal again?

I don't want to forget anymore... Because remembering is too hard.

He's gone

I did everything I was supposed to! I was a good girl, I did my absolute best to be a good daughter to Him... Its not fair! I was there! I did what I was supposed to. I was obedient, I honored him, I took care of him, I did what was best for him... and he left me anyway. Why do they always leave me? Why didn't he stay? Why couldn't he stay? What did I do that was so wrong?

Just once, I need someone to stay...

*In my head I know that Dad is at peace and he is not hurting anymore. In my head I would never wish him back into the misery he was existing in... but in my heart, I miss him so much that I can't breathe.

Laid to Rest

I don't do funeral homes.

I don't do funerals.

I don't do cemeteries.

Yet, today, my Dad lead me there.

Dad looked so peaceful, like I had walked in on him sleeping... The place was packed, over 250 names in the book. my nearest and dearest friends and family were there to honor him. The service was absolutely beautiful, the sermon was focused on my Dad. In my head I could hear him singing over the voice of the singer.

It was 2 years, to the day, that Miss J passed, that we laid my Dad to rest.

It still doesn't feel real.

I'm sure I will wake up soon.

He can't really be gone...

*Considering I am in a small town and He passed in the wee hours on Saturday morning, the funeral was on Monday afternoon, no notice other than word of mouth... 250+ people is an amazing amount. It was standing room only at the service.

STOP IT!!!!!

STOP ASKING IF I'M OK!

STOP TRYING TO HOLD/SQUEEZE MY HAND!

STOP TOUCHING ME!!

STOP ASSUMING THAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW TO GET YOU THROUGH THIS!

STOP TELLING ME I AM BEING SELFISH!

STOP LOOKING AT ME "LIKE THAT"!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

STOP ALL OF IT!

How can I be ok? People ask me that so I will say "Yes how are you" when I really don't give a rats ass how in the hell any of them are! No, I'm not ok. Who would be ok right now? How am I supposed to be ok? This is beyond the hardest thing I have EVER had to do and no one knows what to say. That's ok, because I don't know what to say either. Stop looking at me like you are expecting the entire house to crumble after the wrecking ball comes through -- I'm far to proud to give any of you the satisfaction of seeing that. And no, I don't give a shit how you are doing but thank you for trying to manipulate me into asking.

I'm so angry ~ yes I know that is part of the grieving process. I'm not a fucking stupid. I know this is healthy but why doesn't anyone else want to SHUT THE HELL UP and let me process? Very few would help or even listen when we were struggling so badly a few months ago. So why does everyone want to talk to me now? I don't need any of them now, I needed them then.

And if ONE.MORE.PERSON comes up to me with shit about my Dad I will knock.your.block.off and I don't care WHO you are related to. My Dad was a complicated person who was struggling with a mental illness. When He was 'in his right mind' he was the gentlest, sweetest, most thoughtful God-fearing person I have ever met. He taught me compassion, empathy, respect and how to find the silver lining. He also taught me how to jerry rig almost anything. Another thing that my Dad taught by example, was that by making things an adventure, each day can be a good day and every task can be accomplished. When he was struggling with his illness, all of those traits that were the flip-side of his natural personality came to the surface. That wasn't my Dad, that was the illness. Yes it hurt a lot that he didn't do things he used to, that he didn't say things like he used to and that he couldn't see past his own tunnel of drama. But I always knew he loved me, he told me every day. Yes I got frustrated with him and angry with him, but when he was well he was a damn good man. And some people have the nerve to run their mouth about him now? I still have the right to love him, miss him, and mourn who he was. Not just at the end, but during his whole 52 years.

This post excludes those that I feel close enough to that their touch doesn't bother me, it is actually a comfort. This is the rest of the hypocritical dumbass population that want to fake their way through this now to compensate for their guilt because they had their thumbs up their own ass lost in their own nasty shit to even THINK about someone else -- let along be there for anyone else when they were needed. To the friends who are truly there for me, through the thick and thin, I cannot thank you enough. But the rest of them can fuck off.

My Dad wasn't perfect. I'm not perfect. My relationship with Dad wasn't perfect... but my world is the one that has changed the most.

I was the one that defended him.

I was the only one in the family that talked to him regularly.

I spoke with the doctors, the nurses, the techs, and him.

I was the one who made regular visits and kept up with what was going on with his medications.

I was the one who had to make the hard choices.

I was the one that worked to get him into a skilled facility because I couldn't take care of him at home anymore.

I was the one that had to have him admitted to a behavioral center for psy evaluation.

I was the one that made the end of life choices that allowed him to leave me.

I was the one he promised he wouldn't leave.... what am I going to do now?

I am the one at peace because he is no longer in pain.

But I still need him. Yes I am being selfish right now, but my last year has been all about him... this time it has to be about me.

I would do it ALL again in a heartbeat.

You may have seen Clark Kent, but I always knew he was Superman.

And no, I'm not ok. Oh I'm not going to reciprocate, but thank you for asking.

2.23am

2.23 a

Dad has went home.

He is in no more pain, he is at peace.

Watching him slip away was the most beautiful and most painful thing I have ever experienced. I know that he loves me, even still. He knows that I love him.

I had to love him enough to be strong enough to let him go...

It has always been one of my greatest fears, one of the things I have dreaded the most...

It was also the kindest thing I have been able to do for my Dad... Thats how much he meant to me.

Now I just have to figure out how to live without him.