White Weekend

Another snowy white weekend.

The land from my childhood captured in pristine beauty. I love the chill in the air, the powdery snow as I walk through its depths. The freshness of the morning is unmistakable. I love watching my puppy play in the unmarred blanket of white... The way the power goes out for hours on end, isn't my favorite aspect! Nor do I enjoy how everyone at work panics so my weekend drags by slowly, bound to a cell phone and schedule... instead of being outside, where my heart is. I would rather be building snowmen and tossing snowballs.

I have said it before and will say it again; thank God for kerosene heat.

** This is not the barn on our property, this picture is a close replica.**

In Exchange

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you.

And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts.

No goods. No demonstrations of devotion.

Nothing but knowing you loved me too.

Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

~Yvaine, in Stardust

This has quickly become one of my favorite movies. No matter how many times I see it, this scene makes me cry. The honesty in her words, the vulnerability of her need for him... for what would make Him happy... How meek her promise is, as if her love in return is the only thing of value she has to offer Him... In this moment of the movie, my heart stops... as if my breathing will alter his affection for her and banish her back into her loneliness.

I can't get her words out of my mind tonight. I can feel her words all the way to my very core. Perhaps that is my deepest wish... Perhaps it is because all I would have to offer in exchange... That is all any of us have to give to another person, our heart. No promises of obediences, teasing moments of kink, nothing really... means anything in the very end. A girl's heart, offered in exchange for His... is all that matters.

I don't know why, but tonight... this scene... her words... speaks volumes.

Beautiful

What beautiful heart and soul here sis :) I LOVE it and it pours forth your deepest desires. Love you sis....

Insecurities

Everyone has secrets.

Everyone has walls.

How do we know which is honestly for our own protection and which is to keep others at arm’s length? People say that insecurities are natural, everyone has them. Perhaps they are a mark of our humanity, that sliver of doubt that pushes us to decide – do we want to live in this moment or hide?

In this moment, when I am torn which path to take... is when I wish I knew what the result will be. In my heart I know what I must do, if I want to continue down this road. I also know that if I retreat, I will not end up where I wish to be.

There is always a chance, if I truly lower a guard that leaves me extremely vulnerable, that there will be Someone there to protect me. Even if it is my teddy.

Unwritten

One of my favorite books is Little Women, I have read it a dozen times. Yet each time I explore the book, there are parts that take me on a roller coaster of emotions, literally from laughter to tears. That’s why I love the book so much. That’s why I keep reading. No matter how my spirit mourns for Beth when she passes... my heart takes flight while Jo is falling in love with the Professor. I think that is the mark of an excellent story. When we stop and focus on one aspect of the story, we miss the enjoyment of the whole book.

That is what I have been doing lately, within my own life. I tend to lose my focus, lost in my own pain and loss. Or I stub up and refuse to let go of the good parts. But it isn’t about just one or the other – it’s the entire nature of life. Without the sorrow, we cannot know joy. Each day is like a turning of the page... my story has yet to be imagined, and each morning brings a new opportunity for something... Be it laughter or tears, I’m ready to write my own destiny.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Unwritten, Sung by Natasha Bedingfield

New Year, New Outlook

Traditionally my resolutions are more about helping others, improving habits, or focusing more on finding myself. This year, I have one resolution. I whole-heartedly embrace this goal and want more than anything, to be able to accomplish it.

I want to travel as a bird, not carrying anything with me that I don't need. Leaving behind past pain, resentment, grudges, anger, hurt, and insecurities. Soaring to new heights, as each day is a new opportunity to fly.

I need this to cleanse my heart and soul... so that I may be open to real love, new friendships, and everything that life has to offer me. Not just in 2010, but for the rest of my life.