Thanksgiving 09

This year for Thanksgiving, I want to look back on 2009 and turn negative experiences into positive aspects that have improved my year. So here goes.

1. I was wrongly terminated and kicked out of my apartment in January. But it gave me an opportunity to move back home, get to know my family again, and find a job that I truly enjoy. I also have more free time and am able to relax more often, which allows my fibromyalgia to remain managable.
   
2. In February I developed severe bacterial pneumonia and was hospitalized for a week, almost died (literally) from three days with a 104* fever. Yet it reminded me how precious that life is and that I truly need to listen to my own heart, my own gut, and begin thinking of what is best for me again... I started thinking about what I need in relationships as well as in friendships... And that has made a big difference for me. I feel more free and less in the control of my past experiences.
   
3. I spent the summer breaking my back, taking care of my Dad. Keeping his secret of physical aggression, not telling anyone about the abuse he dished out to us... The physical attack wasn't near as bad as the emotional and mental assault... But now I know that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done, and stubborn enough to keep at it until Someone gets the care that he/she needs to get better. Plus I feel that I understand my desire for a Daddy/Master aspect Partner/dyanamic.
   
4. I've had my heart broken, but now I know more about what I am looking for. I always knew the ultimate 'no-no's that I would not tolerate, but I have learned new things that i do not want to compromise on. A relationship would be nice, but there are certain assurances that I must have before I can surrender completely.
   
5. I am continueing to listen to my body and trying to focus more on obeying the physical needs that I have instead of putting myself on the backburner to care for others. If someone truly cares about me, not only will he/she want what is best for me but he/she will want me to care for myself in the way that I need to have less pain.

Wishing everyone a very safe and
Happy Spanksgiving!

(<-- one thing I desired that I have yet to experience this year. Though there is always a month left to hope!) ;-)

November 20 2009

This whole week has been... sigh... And this evening, on the way home from a very difficult task... Overhead was a flicker of hope, that both made me smile and tear up at the same time. A faint rainbow played peekaboo over the mountain/tree line.

Yes I took it personally... as a sign that things will work themselves out... all I have to do is find a way to breathe....

Secrets...

They say that when secrets are brought out into the open, it is supposed to release the pain of holding onto it so tightly... I don't think I agree with that. Last night, a lot of family secrets came to the surface... and I've felt this uneasy heaviness ever since.

There is no glory in honesty if it is destructive. And no shame in dishonesty if its goal is to offer grace. ~ MJ Rose

There are things I don’t want to talk about, things that I’m afraid can change my views on certain people forever. I want to love those close to me fiercely and I don’t want to push them away... I don’t want to regret letting my own pride or built up anger keep me distant from them. What good would it do to blab it all over town, its done and over with by now.

Some secrets about myself I want to reveal to Someone who I trust not to judge me. Other secrets, I fear saying out loud because that will make them more real and recent, no longer a painful memory I have managed to push back, but an actual event in the present sense… That I would be forced to relive. That I would force someone else to experience also. I guess it is easier to forget when no one else can remember...

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets. ~ Paul Tournier

Paraskavedekatriaphobia

Yes, it is today. I have never been one to have a fear of Friday 13th. If anything, they have brought me luck. But many people live in fear for 24 hours that everything will come to a devastating traumatic end. I don’t mind Friday 13th’s, even though I don’t like the number 13. It isn’t because it is “bad luck”, I just don’t like odd numbers or numbers not divisible by 4.

I am superstitious, but not excessively. I knock on wood for good luck, don’t split poles if I can help it, listen to my instincts, cross my fingers for luck, feel that intense cold chills are a sign of things to come, and have a lucky number. But I’m not as excessive in my beliefs as other people that I know. I have a friend who will exit a house/building only in along the path that she entered it! Even if she has to go all the way back through a building to come out the same way she went in.

Some other old wives tales that I follow are:

1. Hiccups are caused by someone who dislikes you complaining to someone else.


2. If you lance a blister or boil under a full moon it will be less painful and heal quicker.


3. You must stir a pot of tea clockwise to bring peace to your house.


4. When my ears are burning, I know someone is talking about me


5. If you kill a granddaddy longlegs it will rain!


6. The deeper the ladybird's color, the better luck it brings.


7. Drinking two glasses of water can take away a headache.


8. Peppermint lozenges can clear stuffy noses.


9. To clear a blemish, put a dab of Vaseline on the pimple and leave it overnight.


10. Sleeping on anger will plant the seed of resentment.

While I try not to bring these beliefs into relationships, I think that our past experiences will cause us to search out ‘signs’ for either good things to come or impending doom. I do have one major relationship ‘tale’ that I believe in strongly ~ I think if the Man contacts me at some point during the day, either by email or text, that He is thinking about me... and that will help ensure communication into the relationship. I also think while some secrets are poison to the relationship, some revelations are the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot.

Hmm... it appears I am more superstitious than I thought!

Bewitched... and Unforgiving

I enjoy watching those old Bewitched reruns. I liked the special affects, most of the story lines, and I crack up at Endora and Aunt Clara. I never cared for the way that Darrin treated Samantha though; I don’t like how he tried to compartmentalize her into something that would fit into his view of the world. Yet I find myself doing just that, trying to break myself up into smaller pieces as if to make it easier for Someone to understand me and get to know me. When I watch the show, I wonder how Samantha can allow Darrin to ignore a vital part of who she is, allowing him to restrict her to something that goes against her nature. I tend to feel sorry for Samantha... yet this time, I saw myself in her actions! I don't want to do that anymore, I want to present a whole person to the world, not just what I think they want to see.

I watched an episode of ‘Bewitched’ today, “Marriage, Witch’s Style” , where Serena enters a computer dating service to be matched up with a mortal man to marry. She meets her perfect match, a man named Franklyn Blodgett! They have the same sense of humor, enjoy the same things, and of course it is love at first sight. Things go bad quickly when she must reveal to him she is a witch... because he is a warlock! Everything falls apart after that because of the higher standards each have as a magical being over what they expect from a mere mortal. I thought about how often this happens in the world of power exchange.

Some people seem to be more patient and forgiving of errors and imperfections when they feel the other person is vanilla and ‘learning’. However, no slack is given if the person has experience being either dominant or submissive. It is as if some people expect everyone to be at a higher level of perfection than even they are! Some are so quick to judge, chastise, and dismiss anyone who doesn’t act the way he/she expects them to.

In the episode, Serena and Franklin missed an opportunity for a relationship... it makes me wonder how many prospects have I discarded because I made a mountain out of a molehill? At the same time, if it is something that means a lot to me, I shouldn’t be expected to cast it away. If I truly want to be accepted as a whole person, I have to learn to embrace the whole person... taking the good with the bad. Perhaps in balance, I will find peace.