What Makes a Man

What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. It's the choices he makes. Not how he starts things... but how he decides to end them. — Agent John Meyers, Hellboy

Consistency and emotional/mental strength are two extremely important characteristics that I need in a Parnter. I don't understand overly feminine men. I don't get along with them and I tend to end up being the one in control. Not because I want the control, but because someone has to step up and be "the man". Don't get me wrong, I understand and embrace that everyone cannot be strong all the time, but when someone falls apart over something super minor ~ I lose faith that He will be able to be there for me when my world falls apart.

We all make bad choices, that is part of being human. But seeing things through and sticking with it, supporting the fact that one has made a decision, is the important part. Even if it involves changing our minds and turning things around... Follow through is a very attractive trait.

Seeing Pixie

I was able to spend some time with Pixie tonight! It never seems to matter how long we are apart, it never ‘feels’ like it. It was good to see her, and felt amazing to hear her laughing again. She’s had a rough bit of things lately, so we needed that snippet of time together.

Took her some bath bubbles, coloring books, and two kinds of crayons. Just offering a fun way for her to be her. :)

I love you pixie, was so much fun to see you!

P.S. I love that smoking hot black hair!!

Needy Clingy

Needy
Clingy
Demanding
Unrealistic
Attention-whore
Manipulative
Bothersome
Distraction
Intrusive
Interrupting
Inconvenient
Pestering
Nuisance
Needy
Clingy

It’s amazing how two little words can bring up so many negative connotations, emotions, and that instant stomach tightening going to be sick feeling. It has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember not to bother a person, just because I would like someone’s attention doesn’t mean I have the right to request it. This has been confirmed to me repeatedly in my relationships as an adult. Imagine my surprise when MathMan tells me that he LIKES needy/clingy. I don’t understand how that can be seen in a positive light, and I don’t like how disgusted it makes me feel with myself… because all I can see are these desperate attempts that beg for a moment of his notice, when my head is saying ‘if He wanted to talk to you stupid, he would talk to you! Leave Him alone, He’s busy.’

I hate when I am feeling those needy/clingy desires, that ache to be in constant contact, that need to be as close as possible… that overwhelming sense of aloneness that lingers overhead ~ as if my very life depended on hearing His voice. All I can hear are those old tapes, telling me inconvenient I am, what a bother I am being, and that I shouldn’t hassle Him or He will go on to someone who will give Him space.

My puppy had surgery recently, and when she got home she was up under me ALL of the time. I’ve never been the kind of girl who wants anyone up under my feet nor do I want to be up under someone’s feet all the time. I didn’t mind, I knew the spay had been traumatic for her and she was in pain, so I enjoyed her being close... I felt as though being near me might offer her comfort or reassurance, so I encouraged her. It felt good that she picked me to be close to, to follow around, and lay against. I enjoyed that quiet time with her, felt our bond strengthen. I didn’t realize it until a day or two later, when Pixie asked if the puppy was still being clingy... Yes she was, and surprisingly, I didn’t mind. Suddenly, I started thinking that maybe, some People do see needy/clingy in different ways... which of course made me think of MathMan… makes me very curious what He feels/thinks when the girl is ‘needy clingy’.

whimpers

I'm having a fibro day. I'm emotional, my joints are swollen, my muscles are aching, I'm running a low grade fever and feel completely drained. Its not the worst that I have felt, but it's not the best either. The heat isn't helping, I think what is bothering me the most today are the dull aches and total fatigue. It seems with each flare-up, I seem to discover yet another aspect of this disorder. No two 'fibro days' are alike, for that I should be thankful... because some are worse than others. But a few things are consistent, I tend to be emotional, tired, and kins of clingy.

I found this webpage online, that lead me to a group of women called PolkaDotGirls, based in the UK. that are raising awareness of fibromyalgia. They created and sold a calendar for 2009, and the girls in each picture had on some form of yellow polkadot. The Director said the polkadots represent the fibromyalgia trigger points, and how they appear in pictures. I like the concept of using the dots like they have, and will do a bit more research to see if they have a 'civilian group' or if it has to be part of their organization.

Listening

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. ~Folklore

I have always believed this in some sense, that in our guts we know what we need to do. I have trusted this for many big decisions that I have had to make. But what happens when we cannot hear the answers? I've always figured that was because it wasn't time or the right One or something along those lines... But now I'm not so sure...

I've been accused of hiding, withdrawing so far into myself that I cannot hear anything anymore... and I think its a valid description of the state I am in right now. Its not that I want to be alone or left alone... On the contary.

Maybe that is what I am learning right now, that even though I know I don’t need a partner, that its ok that I want one? Easier said than done, eh? Don’t get me wrong, I get asked out a good bit and know that I can attract someone... but when it comes to revealing my big secret, the guys tend to drop like flies. When they run, I blame myself... when they don’t run, I tend to think they are only deseperate for anyone at all.

I've always thought about what I wanted as a submissive/slave, but lately I have been thinking about what I want as a woman... Is it wrong to want to combine the two? Love and surrender? Or is that m fear talking, desiring love from Someone so that He won't hurt me... or would that open me up to His pain even more? Its hard to tell, and I can't exactly make out what my gut is telling me... All that I know now is that I want something real, need patience, and crave guidance... but other than that, or even looking at it as far as a potential partner... I'm hearing absolute silence. Almost as though my gut doesn't want anything at all? But my head knows that isn't true...

So maybe my Friend is right, I do need to focus on me, accepting and truly loving myself, getting myself back into focus... so that one day I can hear myself again?

'The Tear', drawn by MasterSketch,used with His permission.

Romance?

I've never been the mushy gushy romantic sappy type of girl. I am more of a realist. Things that I find romantic are simple, thoughtful, and productive... making sure that my car has gas, checking the water in my radiator... picking up my medication at the store when I am sick... send me a text or email that says He is thinking of me... or maybe just petting me a bit while we watch television or a movie.... I'm not the kind of girl that likes a million candles, hot bubble baths, towels from the dryer, and a personally written song about my body parts that rhyme.

I think the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me, was this one day when it was storming... The guy I was involved with, went to Wal-Mart and bought me new windshield wiper blades because he knew mine were bad. He came over, put them on my car, sent me a text message that they were replaced. It was a cold rain, but it was more important to him that I was safe... I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.

Can romance exist between a Master and His slave? I don't really know. I don't believe the traditional pu$$y whipped crap can work, but maybe a more realistic productive form of that thoughtfulness? After all... isn't it part of taking care of His girl?

I have met some who feel that romance has no part in a Master/slave relationship, that it gives too much power to the girl... I don't see that. I spoke with someone recently who felt that it cannot, and that it would make him under her control. However, that person and I have very different views on what is romantic. Which is ok, everyone has their own opinions, thoughts, and feelings. :) I have a Friend who feels that it can exist, should exist, and takes work with both people involved in the power exchange.

I think that, like limits, it is something that should be decided in each relationship, with each partner, and discussed throughout the evulation of the union... hopfully I meet One who not only believes that love can exist between Master/slave but requires it.

Respect

A bit of randomness about respect...

It is easy to find information online about the respect that a submissive should have for a Dominant. However it isn't very often that the topic of respect for a submissive is discussed.

This is a difficult thing though because many submissives believe One that shows them respect is weak, and will try to "walk all over Him". I want to be respected, I have thoughts opinions fears and desires of my own - but when it comes time to surrender, I think a different form of respect kicks in.

I was brought up that showing respect for others displays respect for yourself. Respect is very important to me, giving and receiving it. I must have a Partner that I can not only respect, but respects me in return.

Family Changes

We come fresh to the different stages of life, and in each of them we are quite inexperienced, no matter how old we are. ~ Francois de la Rochefoucauld

my great Uncle passed over the weekend. We were not close, nor did I see him often… but I am happy that he is not suffering anymore. I'm kind of numb about the whole thing, I really didn't know him very well. I don't believe in putting on this huge dramatic display of overwhelming loss, I feel that loss and grieving is a private thing. He looked amazing, like he was sleeping. But to be completely honest, death is something I have never been comfortable with. I'm intensely scared of it and my biggest fears are the losses of my very close family members...

It has really shaken up my Grandmother, understandably as he was like her brother. She is whom I am concerned about right now. Plus his passing has reminded me of how fragile life is... how quickly it can be over. More for selfish reasons than the fact that I would miss them. What happens to my family when the matriarch passes? The family seems to splinter off into smaller families, never to come together again. I am completely single with no children of my own. And most of the time I am perfectly happy about that, but times like this, makes me fear being alone... not having that family support that I have been blessed with, not having those close members to argue and fight with, knowing that it can turn on a dime and I will have their complete encouragement. But I think it would be worse to have a child later, knowing that my parents or my Grandmother will not get to meet the baby. It already makes me cry thinking that my Dad's parents will never meet anyone that is important to me now.

Ugh.

I should also mention that I've been having a fibro-draining weekend, uncomfortable and boarderline in pain, but not enough to truly take anything strong for relief. Very long day at work, having to sit at the desk and work all day is causing my joints/muscles to ache. Nothing is 'wrong' exactly, but something just isn't 'right' either. At least my horoscope gave me a small smile, hoping that something good will come from all of this foggy confusion.

June 8, 2009: Leo: It might be hard to find the uplifting needle in a haystack of doom and gloom today, but your search will probably uncover important realizations that can change your day for the better. You are learning a lot about maintaining your own emotional health now, yet what you discover may not be what you expect. This isn't an easy journey, but digging beneath the surface changes your perspective and gives you a whole new point of view.

Horoscopes

I'm never sure how to take horoscopes. Personally, I don't believe that they are a prophecy of what is to come. However, I do think that the position of the planets and whatnot do affect our moods/health, which in turn affects our actions.. plus they are fun to read. But when it gets down to it, I am responsible for my own actions and consequences – even if I decide to base my decisions on the horoscope advises me to do.

~*~

Today, June 5, 2009.

Hard work, organization, and planning will stand you in good stead. You may not initiate or be in control of the events and circumstances, but you will nevertheless be called upon to measure up and take responsibility. The answer is to forge ahead. Forget instant gratification. Wait for the rewards or real enjoyment to come later.

~*~

Year 2009 Outlook for Leo

2009 is a year for Leo to do self-assessment.

Overall Fortune

You need to examine your confidence, and any aspects of yourself that could do with improvement. Try to be positive and prudent and you will see the improvement.

Relationship

Leo expects to have a smooth relationship in 2009. There may be downfalls in April. Take advantage of any dates your friend arranges for you in May. Libraries, overseas trips, and the Internet are good places for you to meet someone.

In August Leo makes progress in relationships with the help of Venus. Try to grasp opportunity when it arises. For single people, try to be cautious before entering a relationship.

Career

You need to asses your ability wisely this year. Try to seek for positions that match your ability and expectations.

Money Management and Health

Due to the influence from Saturn Leo.s financial status is not as favorable as last year. Try to be flexible and frugal when going out to socialize.

In summer you should focus on your work and maintain a good relationship with your colleagues. Your finances will improve in autumn. However, try to seek other people.s advice when making an investment.

In November a colleague may offer you opportunities to make money. Reward your friend. Consult professionals if your friend wants to cooperate with you in business.

In December you expect to have a favorable return on your investment.

~*~

Well my archives are filled with posts about self-assessment... so maybe I am on the right path after all? :) That being said, even if my 'year long horoscope' had not stated such, I would still be thinking too much.

Interesting, eh?