Directions

I love this picture by Daniel Aeschlimann, called 'Hot Water'.

When I first found it, I thought it showed some of my fibro symptoms but now... I am relating to it in another fashion. After my very recent bout with pneumonia, I am connecting with it in that fashion today.... I guess I am feeling better today. Waking up at home, not in the hospital, is always a plus! But my breathing is very labored today and I’m beyond exhausted.

Not to sound all dramatic or anything, but to be realistic... I almost didn't make it. I think that is sinking in more now than it really did before. Especially now that I'm hearing about the people who had the same thing and either didn't make it or it wasn't 'discovered' until the autopsy... And then when you mix in my lupus, and my risks with that alone... I feel so very blessed to be making a recovery... humbled beyond belief... But it makes me question the direction of my life.

Yes I am doing a job that I enjoy... But I'm also almost 30, living at home, completely single, and fewer friends than I realized (judging by how many people called to check on me during my hospital stint)... Even my sister didn't want to come see me at the hospital! I'm a nice girl, I do a lot for a lot of people... Yet, it's not really coming back in my direction. So... is this the way I want my life to go?

Oh and please don't get me started on how fucked up I think this whole "surrender to Another" desire I have has messed up my life.... Is this isolation worth it? Or after over a decade of following this path, without finding anything positive or real, is that a sign that its really NOT for me?

Maybe it should be ‘enough’ to meet someone I can be vanilla with?

Maybe adults really don’t have happy endings or relationships?

Maybe its all part of the fairytales told to children, so they can enjoy being young and innocent?

Maybe I just need to go lay down...

Joy

Weeping may endureth the night, but joy cometh in the morning. ~ Psalms 30:5

Passion

Passion... it lies in all of us.

Though unwanted, unbidden - it will stir. Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love - the clarity of hatred - and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow, empty rooms, shuttered and dank.

Without passion we would be truly dead.

- Joss Whedon

In the Stars...

Unleash my darkness...

Picture by Ana Cruz.

I love this image. The delicate femininity of her appearance, the suggestive placement of the ribbon, the way that the rest of the picture is dark save the peek of light in the clouds... Almost like, if I can let go of my own fear of the darkness, I will truly be free to dance as I was meant to, yielding to His music, following His steps... This picture is very hopeful.

A special thank you to a new Friend who sent me this picture. It is stunning, speaks volumes, and really took me by surprise. Thank you Sir.

Patience

A woman is like a rose, one your must prune and treat with respect.
And she will open up and show you her beautiful side.
You cannot force her she will open in her own time.

I really like this quote, call me unsubmissive but, it kind of sounds like me... I don't have it in me to jump right into things with Someone, I'm not going to immediately hit my knees and pledge my life over to some stranger who calls himself 'Master'. I need time to get to know Someone, feel comfortable with Him, possibly start to trust Him on a level that shows I can open up with Him about my deeper desires/needs... and He with me, also. I want to submit to someone because I truly desire His guidance, mastery, influence, and because my belly burns so hot I cannot survive if I do not kneel before Him... not because he capped up in an email.

As vain as this sounds, I would like to think the patience for my surrender...
would be worth it...

Getting Trashed

I am in the process of moving. First I found a new job, found a new place to stay, and am juggling new job hours and finding appropriate storage space for my things. Then I had to wait for permission to return to the property and retrieve my stuff. Anyway, my family was able to go for me on Monday, since I could not get off work to go. The apartment had been trashed. Literally. Piles of empty cans, heaps of garbage, and kitchen scraps were thrown all over my apartment. There were also clothes (that obviously do not fit me) all over the place! Someone had broken into my apartment, and dumped trash everywhere. At first, I couldn’t breathe I was so upset, angry, and hurt. It was an extreme slap in the face, and the ultimate act of disrespect... until I discovered that my electronics, home interior, and a few other things had been stolen.

I was brought up to be respectful, have respect for myself, respect for others, even for things that belong to either me or another person. Sometimes I take for granted that this is not part of everyone’s education. During my five years at the job/house, I did my best to not only teach the clients to be respectful but hoped it was rubbing off on the staff too.

Respect is such an important trait to me; it goes hand in hand with honor, honesty, and consistency. (Which are also important to me.) I have learned over my adult years that the level of respect one can expect is correlated with where one is and what is expected. However that doesn’t always work, because at events where one would think would require a level of respect/etiquette ~ tend to be the last place one can find it. At work would be an example, the other place that is coming to mind is at “events” (parties, munches, discussions, demos, etc).

I am often told that I am to hard on others, I expect more than I should, that I’m unrealistic in what I hope to find... I’m just an old fashioned girl, deep down, who is respectful, honest, and submissive... hoping to find a Match.