Self Destruction

The Scorpion and the Frog

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked down river, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked, "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then... how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back. "I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

Becoming a mirror

Tonight, during girl’s mediation, she thought back on a quote that has meant good things for her in the past.

"How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished?" –Rumi

Each act, or omission of a certain act, is a form of polishing done by the Owner to His property. A girl really likes this quote because once the polishing is complete, He can better see His image in her. . . . Isn’t that what we, as slaves, want? To become perfect likeness of our Owner? Being able to represent His mastery to the world, a willing slave eager to be pleasing, drinking in His strength, soaking in His desires, longing to meet each need.

Polishing hurts. . . Buffing out scratches, scrubbing off debris, and don’t forget the stench of the polish. . . . All to become a better reflection of Him.

Yes, girl enjoys the ‘good times’ with Him, but still desires Him to polish His girl. . . until she becomes what He desires. :)

*mythological Him, as this girl is and continues to be unowned.

Dancer of Gor

I wondered if my Master was weak. Some men are very strong with men, and yet weak with their women. He just said I was beautiful. That was surely a compliment. Surely it had shown some interest in me, or approval in me, surely in one respect. He said I was beautiful. Could I not then, though it was I in the collar, make use of these feeling to own him? He must like me then, just a little. That seemed likely, Indeed he must care for me. I suspected even perhaps he might love me. Perhaps I could make use of that. I wondered if he was weak. It would not hurt for me to test him. I knew that some girls twisted their Masters about their little fingers. I wondered if I could do that. "I wondered how you might behave if I gave you even a hort of room, even an Ihn of indulgence. But he then seized my wrists and, with a thong, bound them together, before my body. He then dragged me toward a low hanging branch and tied my hands, so bound, over my head to the branch. He then whipped me. He then angrily, released me from the branch, I blubbering and weeping, half in shock, and dragged me back to the blankets. There he threw me to the foot of the blankets and chained me there, hand and foot, I looked up at him in terror. Then angrily, he layed down on the blankets, drawing them around himself, to sleep. I lay there in misery until morning, He was my Master, I loved Him! I loved him more than anything! But I had failed my first test with him! I had only wanted to know, foolishly the nature of my power with him, if any, and the nature of discipline to which I might be subject. I had only wanted to know, if truly I was his slave or not. Then he made me serve him, uncompromisingly. Then he had whipped me and put me chained, at his feet. Yet too, I felt grandly and warmly assured as to his strength and dominance. I knew then my Master was Master, that he would never relinquish his sovereignty, that he was a true man. I was content now, and eager, a female, to be his perfect slave. If I had failed the test he passed mine. ~ Dancer of Gor, pg. 475

This is me

Sometimes I get so lost in thought, emotions, confusion, and my own questions that I can't pull things together to truly communicate it to someone else. The more that I open up, either to someone else or here on the blog, the harder it is for me to maintain that level of confidence that I have done the right thing.

Talking with DaddyBear in the wee hours of the morning while He was going home and I'm still at work... . I described it almost as being in the dark (like in a movie theater). . . then going out into the parking lot beneath the harsh blaze of the sun, the instinctive response to withdraw back into the darkness. Perhaps it is that 'fight or flight' theory in action, but whatever it is, its almost impossible to fight alone. It makes me feel stupid, childish, petty, and not worth the hard work that DaddyBear has put into gaining my trust. I get this fierce need to push him away and retreat into my shell.

As I write this, I am calming. I'm completely drained and I'm not angry with Him anymore. He was right, He is always right. I do want to be available for Him, mentally and emotionally, come from behind the walls and truly allow Him to see exactly who I am. Its like that part on the 10th Kingdom when Wolf tells Virgina, “You may not get hurt, but huff puff, you won't get love.”

Thank you DaddyBear for hearing me out patiently, allowing the whole gambit of my emotions to spiral around us both ~ for not loosing your footing during my storm.

Returning to work and the computer, I heard this song that plays on Grace's blog, and it felt appropriate to share here.

This is me
Sung by Faith Hill

Yeah I have my addictions
and keep my share of secrets
and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention
to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

*Chorus*
I don't know what you believe
or what you think of what you see
but this is a part of me
what i do and who i am
all my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

My heart break for the homeless
I worry about my parents
and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

*Chorus*

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when i see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else

*chorus*

John. . . ?

I don't know why this song has been on my heart/mind the last week or so. I am posting it here, to share. . . . I do not have a STD, have no interest in having one. But as the song suggests, it only takes one encounter, one time, one person to change your life. . . forever.

Wikipedia Says: A 1994 song from American Country music artist Reba McEntire. Upon its release, the song gained media attention and controversy for being the first country music song to address the subject of AIDS.

'She Thinks his name was John'
Sung by Reba McEntire

She can account for all of the men in her past
Where they are now, who they married, how many kids they have
She knew their backgrounds, family and friends
A few she even talks to now and then

But there is one she cant put her finger on
There is one who never leaves her thoughts
And she thinks his name was John

A chance meeting, a party a few years back
Broad shoulders and blue eyes, his hair was so black
He was a friend of a friend you could say
She let his smile just sweep her away
And in her heart she knew it was wrong
But too much wine and she left his bed at dawn
And she thinks his name was John

Now each day is one day thats left in her life
She wont know love, have a marriage or sing lullabies
She lays all alone and cries herself to sleep
cause she let a stranger kill her hopes and her dreams

And all her friends say what a pity what a loss
And in the end when she was barely hanging on
All she could say is she thinks his name was John

Reality Show Chit-Chat

Taking a break from work this afternoon, I was watching a bit of Kathy Griffin’s reality show and she had an interview with Rosie O’Donnell. I’ve always respected Rosie for the courage she has to be herself, even when it wasn’t popular. As a hag, like Kathy, I do love my gays! :)

So I go to Rosie’s webpage, because I have been slacking in my ‘keeping up with celebs’ snooping, and found a link to a webpage that just blew my mind. National Priorities Project, which is a webpage that is focused about ‘bringing the federal budget home’ on a level that anyone/everyone can understand. The primary purpose of the page is about the war, but since I fully support our troops serving, I cannot exactly knock what they are doing. So instead, I decided to break down the proposed tax breaks for the upcoming fisical year.

Taxpayers in Tennessee will pay $1.8 billion for tax cuts for the richest 10% in FY 2009. For the same amount of money, the following could have been provided (these #s are PEOPLE not dollars):

377,596 People with Health Care for One Year
or
36,309 Elementary School Teachers for One Year

I am just blown away. These are two very important necessities that, if funded correctly, could have an enormous impact not only on the presence of our country but of our future.

Then again, we all have our view of what is important or should be a priority, depending on our own life-position.

It just has to be this way

Being honest with oneself often forces a person to admit the truth about others too. It comes down to having the courage to do not only the right thing, but making a choice that is best for yourself.

It Just Had to be This Way
Sung by: Reba McEntire

The sound of your voice the touch of your skin
If we go there it will start all over again
So don't even call there no need for checking in
If it's really over let it just be over

No, we won't be sharing coffee
Or having lunch from time to time
I won't ask about your family
Please don't ask me about mine
This is never what I wanted
And it's killing me to say
It just has to be this way

We gave all we could we fought the good fight
But no matter how we loved we couldn't get it right
It hurts to let go but it's harder hangin' on
I don't want it to be over we know that it's over

No,we won't be sharing coffee
Or having lunch from time to time
I won't ask about your family
Please don't ask me about mine
This is never what I wanted
And it's killing me to say
It just has to be this way

And even if I change my mind
Don't let me hurt me one more time
Stay away from me be as cold as you can be

No,we won't be sharing coffee
Or having lunch from time to time
I won't ask about your family
Please don't ask about mine
This is never what I wanted
And it's killing me to say
It just has to be this way

Oh,it just has to be this way

Walls

Walls do serve a purpose. Not only are they to keep someone at arm's length, but more importantly they are to protect and keep ourselves very safe, guarded. Many think they themselves can take those walls down, against our will. However, my Friend DaddyBear once said, 'I can give you the tools but only you can decide to use them.’ And He was right.

Yes, I have walls around my heart because the fear of additional pain is so great that I have boxed myself into this small emotional corner.

Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it. ~ Les Brown

'It is only to a true master that I could submit,' she said, 'not to a weakling.' 'If you submit yourself, clearly and explicitly,' I said, 'you may discover that he whom you thought to be a weakling may not in actuality be such at all.' ~ John Norman, Vagabonds of Gor, pg. 219

Unconditional Love. . .

Love requires sacrifice. Many people dream of that ultimate devotion that would inspire us to not only treasure each and every day but, if needed, we would be willing to die for that love. Thousands of men and women are demonstrating that love every single day, without grander and parades, they don't serve out of the desire for recognition. . . but out of complete loyalty to their first love. . . our country.

Almost every day, we all take something for granted. People complain about the price of gas, and forget the right to go where they wish. We complain about the inflation at the grocery store, and overlook the ability to select our own foods/meals. I'm not saying that the rising cost of goods is a good thing, not at all. But sometimes our society needs to take a moment and give thanks to those who made it possible for us to even voice our opinions, be they negative or positive!

I grew up listening to the stories of the brave men and women who have fought to preserve our freedoms, laying down their life just so that I could have the ability to make choices. Americans as young as 18, who don't even know me, are stepping up to the plate to dedicate their lives to my right to decide what I want to do with my own life. Perhaps my parents romanticized the military, but I don't care. Its still the supreme act of honor, respect, and commitment. . . And the thing is, it's not just the soldier who is serving, it is also his/her family back home. . . waiting for his/her return, for word of his/her safety. . . and loving him/her even more because of the strength that he/she is displays with each day overseas.

mm mm mmm I do love a soldier.

Happy Fourth of July. . .
have you taken a moment to say 'thank you'?


A Soldiers Prayer, by Collin Raye

Take me...

Take Me

Kiss me not with tender touch
But lips hard and bruising
Scaling peaks unknown before
With lustful, burning craving.

Touch me not with silken hands
But fingers cruel and grasping
Pinching hunger for my skin
Let loose with needful yearning.

Take me not with gentle love
But brutal, untamed fucking
Crudely plunder to my core
With passions wild wanting.

Taken from Words of Seduction

Let the Wind Chase You

I think this song says... everything I need to say to J. Each verse speaks to me so strongly, not only helping me break free of whatever hold J had on me, but also empowering me to stop apologizing for my own needs.

Let the Wind Chase You
Sung by Trisha Yearwood

Like a wildwood flower
Doesn’t have to reach for the sun
And when it needs a drop of water
It doesn’t have to ask the rain to come

I don’t wanna work for your love
I don’t wanna try to be
Something that you’re looking for
You’re never gonna find in me

So let the wind chase you
I can’t do it anymore
Let the road run after you
Like I always did before
Let the stars catch your eye
‘Cause I’ve tried and tried and tried
And I won’t do
So let the wind chase you

No one says a diamond ain’t precious
Just because it hasn’t yet been found
And no one blames the moon for not shining
Just because it’s hidden by a cloud

I don’t wanna blame myself
Thinking that I’m not enough
And wonder what’s wrong with me
Because I couldn’t win your love

So let the wind chase you
I can’t do it anymore
Let the road run after you
Like I always did before
Let the stars catch your eye
‘Cause I’ve tried and tried and tried
And I won’t do
So let the wind chase you

I don’t wanna work for your love
I don’t wanna try to be
Something that you’re looking for
You’re never gonna find in me

So let the wind chase you
I can’t do it anymore
Let the road run after you
Like I always did before
Let the stars catch your eye
‘Cause I’ve tried and tried and tried
And I won’t do
So let the wind chase you, mmhmm
Let the wind (let the wind)
Chase you