Trusting myself

When I’m trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. ~Shakti Gawain

I must begin to listen to myself, not only my head but also my heart. To quote my best friend, I need to know the rules of the game. I have the right to ask what someone's intentions are, what their interests are, and then make a decision if it is something I can handle or something I am even interested in.

As a single woman, it is more than my right it is my responsibility. That little girl within deserves a safe environment to express herself without fear or retribution. The slave that has been so closely guarded deserves protection. Until I find that person who not only wants to take care of those girls but who also will protect, nurture, guide, and wants to own them, it is my job to ensure they are safeguarded.

In every other part of my life, I am confident and happy with who I am. But when it comes to power exchange, those hurts of the past cause me to question myself – and I hate that feeling. I have been looking to someone else to justify my own needs or accept me when I need to focus on accepting myself. I have gone through this once before, and was rewarded with an amazing relationship that rocked my world. However, I lost sight of who I was and things ended quickly. I am confident that when I begin to allow my heart and head to guide me, knowing that I have truly accepted, embraced, and love those parts of me... I will draw in those who will not only respect those sides of me, but long for them as much as they ache to surrender. I just need the courage to do this.

I just need to take a deep breath and find the courage to stand up for myself, because I know I am worth it.

Security or Stability

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. -- Helen Keller

Some days, this quote is inspiring. Other days, it mocks me. Stability is something I crave from the very bottom of my soul. Is that the same as security? I’m not speaking of physical security like a body guard, but perhaps an emotional one. I know that we aren’t promised tomorrow. I am aware that no one knows the future. I am not asking for a dozen promises of intention, I just... need the stability of consistency. And as much as this is going to make me sound clingy, needy, desperate, or pathetic, I need the stability of communication. Not a dozen times a day, but at least once a day.

My parents told me when I was much younger, that if a Person truly cares for another, knowing that we are not promised tomorrow - He can’t imagine NOT contacting her each day... In case it’s the last day he has that chance. And that’s what I want. I don’t want someone to call/text/email because I want him too or I make him – but because He can’t imagine NOT taking a moment to tell me He is thinking of me. Its three minutes out of his whole 24-hour day and to be honest, I don’t think that’s asking something outrageous.

Does this make me less than a slave? Does this mean I am manipulative and controlling, demanding that He contact me whether he wants to or not? Not at all! This is me being absolutely honest about the emotional needs and how I see communication. Someone can either contact me or not, I want no control of that. But if He truly understood how it affected me, I would hope he wouldn’t want to inflict that negative response on me, or perhaps He would think the same way. I don’t think it makes me less of a slave, but more of one. Because this is my Achilles heel, and a way that would cement His control over me...

"hello girl"

That was pretty much my reaction too, Tink.

Those two words knocked me on my emotional ass. Out of no where, J not only sends me a message but holds a conversation for a bit after I responded.

I thought I was past Him, I thought I was over all of it, but to be honest... the connection/chemistry W/we had before crashing back within the span of ten characters. I'm not saying that I am willing to forget the abandonment five months ago, just that... I can still feel His hand in my hair, His breath on my skin, His bite... I don't even know if He was just saying hello or desires anything to be different. I do know that I was on His mind, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the offline message that started it... Not saying that I am making a trip back down this road fully, but the memory was nice. :)

Thank you J, Sir, for reminding this girl of the chemistry/connection she longs for.

Soul

It's been a while since I've been focused enough to honestly blog on anything. Things have been shakey for me - as my previous entries confess. While I have been off work the last few days, I have done a lot of resting and thinking.my Kenny has a song out whose lyrics totally brought peace today. I have felt guilty for not having a better handle on everything, but now its ok that I don't. In one of his songs, he speaks of having a gypsy soul. Restless... Easily swayed... He also has a song that tells about having the 'Soul of a Sailor' that also describes my feelings lately. Anyway, I think both do a pretty good job of painting a picture of me right now.... and how I've been lately. I can imagine how difficult it is to "deal with" or "handle" someone feeling this way... But... that's ok too.

Pixie and I talk about having these intense connections with water, oceans, rivers, and the horizon... Once upon a time, I fancied the thought that I may of had a mermaid-ish background... Times like this, make me feel that I definitely had/have some of that "rambling spirit" going on.

Womans Rules

pixie's blog entry of rules of 'How to be a good housewife' in 1954 is very interesting, something worth checking out... Not sure if I can apply all of those to me life/relationships, but some of them I was brought up with and think of them as "no brainers". Esp the one about not hitting someone with something as soon as they walk in, giving him a chance to decompress after arriving home.

Trust... and letting go

Trust is knowing you're perfectly safe
when you're absolutely vulnerable.

I have felt completely vulnerable a number of times, but have yet to feel perfectly safe with a Man. Once in a blue moon, Someone will lure me close enough that I lower a wall, and begin to open up to Him. However, the more I begin to share, the more distant He will become. I don’t know why this happens. Perhaps I am too intense. Perhaps I am looking for the impossible. Perhaps my needs are too great and my desire burns to hotly. Perhaps... they weren’t truly interested in that exchange of power that can seem so close, yet be so far out of reach.

The little girl is cautious, yet playful. Most of the time, He doesn’t even realize she is still holding Him at arm’s length. But the slave... things are very black and white with her. Either she can trust Him, or she can’t. She is the hardest to reach because she is the absolute most vulnerable. There is no way the slave within can protect herself – the drive to surrender is too great, the ache to release control, the burn to please is overwhelming. She is the absolute most vulnerable part of me. Perhaps that is why one of my biggest fantasies is emotional, not physical.

Yes I want to serve Him. Yes I want Him to be my priority and be able to have complete faith that He will protect me, guide me, and nurture me just as I strive to please Him. I'm not saying that I need this all the time or want it every night, but... sometimes I do need my Partner to be that anchor while my world is in a horrible storm. This emotional need is very difficult to explain... However these lyrics to 'Fall' describe it beautifully.

You can only be strong
So long before you break
So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear
Every worry every tear
I’m right here.

Ultimately, I want to be able to trust Him in every way... even emotionally, with that wounded slave deep within who still burns to serve, even though the pain has dimmed it a bit to a flicker. Surely, somewhere, there is that One who I can not only trust completely, but will lure that slave into growth... for His service.

At the Window

These posts were originally written in October 2006 for my very first blog. Maybe it is because of everything I have gone through the last two weeks or so, but I feel like I am back at the window... hoping for the right Daddy to come along. Perhaps it is because the last couple weeks have left me feeling... like a lost little girl... I'm not even sure where to go next, which way to turn...

At the Window

A warm cheek presses against the cool caress of the glass, each breath fogs up her vision for a moment as eyes settle unseeingly on the horizon. Her heart skips as something grabs her sight, sitting up a little straighter a gaze narrows as she peers into the darkness, studying the shadow that has come into play. Tall and looming, the figure pauses at the walkway for the briefest of moments. What feels like a lifetime’s second, he turns and passes by.

A disappointed sigh leaves her frame, shoulders slump as the teddy bear is hugged closer almost protectively. The little girl once again settles in against the window, and waits.

Hoping beyond hope that the right Daddy for her will be by soon.

She is yours to hold in your cupped hands,
to guard and to guide.
Give her your strengthand wisdom
and all the good that life can offer.
Yours is a sacred trust.
Never harm herwith words that can bite and sting.
Lead her into truth.
~Tapestry of Voices

Grieving

Today was very difficult.
Today was emotionally exhausting.
Today I felt so very alone.
Today was visitation.

Although my mother and Grace went with me to the funeral home, it wasn’t the same. They barely knew Julia, only of my love for her. I haven’t spoken with Pixie in a few days, I miss her too. The guy I have been ‘talking’ with, the Spanker, wasn’t available either. I can’t get Him to understand that with as hard as the day was for me, I needed a bit of attention. Not a tremendous amount, just something to know that there was support there if I had needed it (which I did). Maybe I just needed to pick a fight with someone and He was an easy target.

Anyway, enough bitching tonight. Going to take a hot shower and try to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Miss Me, But Let Me Go

This post is in tribute to the death of Miss Julia, a dear friend that my soul sister has just recently lost. I know your heart is hurting and a there will moments of crushing pain...and that is okay. You are going to be alright though...it will just take time ~ give yourself that time. There will be waves of memories and drowning feelings of emotions. Feel them all sis....for all that Miss Julia done to leave those footprints on your soul still live within you. So all though her physical body has moved on...her essence will always burn within you. I love you

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little—but not too long,
and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that was once shared.
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
and each must go alone.
It’s all a part of the master’s plan,
a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
go to the friends we know.
Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me,
but let me go.

~ Author Unknown

In Loving Memory...

Julia Mae

In Loving Memory...

May 3, 1943 -- May 3, 2008

Her Passing

Because I could not stop for Death

~by Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

Or rather, be passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.

We paused before house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

Some people are so afraid do die
that they never begin to live.
~Henry Van Dyke

It is foolish to pretend that one is fully
recovered from a disappointed passion.
Such wounds always leave a scar.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Every man dies, but
not every man really lives.
~Braveheart

Fall...

Fall
~ Sung by Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again
Putting on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doing this and doing that
Always putting yourself last
A whole lot to give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break?

So fall go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
I’m right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away

And if you wanna let go baby its okay

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I’m right here
Baby fall

Hold on
hold on
hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
I’ll catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I’m right here
Baby fall

I Bruise Easily

This is almost exactly what I told my Jarl and Daddy when I first began talking to Them. So much of my past relationships still linger in the form of either nightmares or panicky fears that grip me so tight sometimes I can't breathe for a minute. It’s those little things that make me want to turn and run, before another mark can be made on my fragile heart/soul.

The last 24 hours have been . . . . traumatic - for lack of a better description. Old issues of loss, the extremely touchy subject of someone close passing, and guilt for not doing more for my friend while I could – have all come to a head. Thank God, this morning she is alert and knew who I was. . . but I just have this feeling I cannot shake. I will be so very surprised if the party I had been planning for her birthday (but canceled when she was re-admitted) will take place.

Anyway, enough of that. Back to the song. The lyrics touched my heart in so many ways and really communicate what I need to say the most today. . . to my Jarl. . . and to Daddy. The video rocks too, so click the link with her name and watch it .

~elana

"I Bruise Easily"
Sung by Natasha Bedingfield

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defenses down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
There’s a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So I’m learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily