Reassurance

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.

"Pooh!" he whispered.

"Yes Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.

"I just wanted to be sure of you."

Sometimes we all need to make sure the other person is there... I think it is human nature.

So how is it a bad thing?

Kajira

"What does it means to be a kajira, to you?"

This girl does not believe in the ability to be a ‘no limits slave’, she believes in moments of slavery. Some would say that a slave and a kajira are the same thing, when there are major differences in the mindset of each girl. This girl has experienced offline training as a submissive, slave, and a kajira. She is by no means an expert of anything, yet she has learned the subtle distinctions of each ‘classification’. However, this essay is on what girl feels is meant by being a kajira.

To girl, being a kajira means that the girl truly puts the desires of Another before her own, even things that she do not desire become options for His pleasure. It does not mean she has no limits, because everyone has limits. Yet her desire to serve is stronger than her fear of whatever that limit is. The girl has been in a situation where she was being taught the ways of a kajira offline, yet was commanded to do many things the girl did not like... she obeyed, because the fear of disappointing Owner was most powerful than the distaste of the request. Kajirae are not miracle workers and are still human, sometimes a girl needs additional support or guidance to make her way through the task He desires... If her heart is truly pure in her need to obey, and her mind is open to Him, then an unfailing Master will be able to lead her through it. At least that is this girl’s belief. That calm feeling that comes with keeping one’s mind focused on Him, being proactive to His needs, and remaining honest at all times... those are all things that a kajira embraces. A slave often thinks "you can take her there, but these are a girl’s limits" whereas a kajira is more likely to have the mindset of "absolute obedience will please Master". (Then again, there seems to be a distinction that comes along with being a Gorean Master and a D/s Master.)

A kajira must also be aware of what is her business and what is His business. When in a relationship, this is the part that this girl struggles with each day. She aches to understand in an attempt to calm her own fears, so she tends to either ask too many questions or reach out too much to Him... and it begins to be seen as being clingy or an attempt at manipulation... which breaks the girls heart because it is the last of her intentions.

Serving at the Inn has taught the girl that service is a constant evolution, growing from each day to the next. There isn’t a stopping point where someone can say "Whew, now girl is a kajira", there is that consistent feeding the fires within, striving to be more pleasing, finding new ways to serve...

This is something that one feels relates somewhat and she wishes to share...

A slave's Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know His needs.
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow me the love to show Him myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Let me be able to show
Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up too completely belong to Him.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.
Give me the strength to please us both.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.
For it is my greatest wish,
To make His life complete,
as He makes mine.

~Author Unknown

Special Thanks to a Friend for providing this Journal Prompt

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

I have not been a good girl this year, but I suspect that you know that already. It was not in my intention to be this way, sometimes it just happens...

I’m not asking for much this year for Christmas, and I hope that you can see my heart to know that I really wan to be a good girl. Please bring me peace of mind and the ability to find the calm place within myself. That’s all I want this year, Santa, if you can help me out... I promise to be a better girl next year.

~girl

Big Girls

Some of these pictures are breathtaking, I'm not sure what it is exactly but... they are just beautiful! Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to big girls, but... I don't think that is what is so captivating in these first two pictures.

Now this one, I think is funny. I joke about it, that some men aren't able to 'handle' a big girl ~ and it is true! I don't think it is because of the actual weight... but unless someone is comfortable in his own skin, being around someone who is at ease with her body will make them very uncomfortable. Insecure women attract insecure men. Confident women attract confident men. At least... I hope! lol mmm I do love a confident Man...

And you know a girl has to be proud of a fat ass! I'm trying different things to more of an ass (because I'm mainly hippy) ~ but I do love my handful.

It is definitely spankable, among other things...

Thank you Glitter-graphics for the images!

A slave's prayer

A slave's Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know His needs.
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow me the love to show Him myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Let me be able to show
Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up too completely belong to Him.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.
Give me the strength to please us both.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.
For it is my greatest wish,
To make His life complete,
as He makes mine.

~Author Unknown

Being Safe

A ship in a harbor is safe.
But that is not what ships were built for.




You cannot control the wind,
but you can adjust your sails.
~ Yiddish proverb

Both of these quotes say a lot... and speak to me strongly right now. I don't want to be emotionally safe in my own little harbor anymore... I want to sail. If I don't take a risk, I ... cannot move forward. Something tells me that I am at the point where my path is shifting and... I pray each morning for the courage to follow it.

Looking Good Naked

Journal Prompt: Self-awareness, self-acceptance.
Post taken from a discussion started on FetLife about self-acceptance. The responses were overwhelming, so many women are burdened down by what they feel they should be, should do, need to look like... it broke my heart to hear from them all and took me back to when I thought the same things. I just hope that this helps... it is a one-day-at-a-time type thing. :)


Hello Everyone. Just curious if anyone watches that Carson show on the Lifetime channel called ‘How to Look Good Naked’? I must admit, at first I thought “oh great another show to dress big girls in black” but after watching it... it truly touched me. Now i cannot watch it without crying a little. The focus of this show isn’t about “looking skinny” or “dressing right” it is about complete self acceptance. It is a powerful program and I really encourage every woman, not just big girls, to watch it. But... some of His words have really helped remind me that I am beautiful, just as I am. Just having a strong desire to share it with others today and ask that ya’ll (who are able too) look him up on On-Demand or the internet or something. Its worth it. ~girl hell yeah I look good naked. (You'll get it if you watch the show!)


I think my favorite part of the show is right after Carson has the woman tell him what she hates about her body, then he brings out a line of beautiful women (in just bras and panties). Then Carson has the woman place herself in the line, where she thinks she should be, based on size of said offending body part. Like, place yourself between the two women whose hips/thighs/bellies/etc is bigger/smaller than yours. Anyway, the woman always places herself towards the end and between the bigger women... and Carson pulls her from the line to move her down where she would be, based on size, closer to the small size of the line. That part always chokes me up because so many people see themselves not as they truly are, but as their mind has painted them to be. If this makes sense? Anyway, my light came on while I was in college working in a Lane Bryant. I had to measure women for undergarments and try to coax everyone into “at least being measured, so many women wear the wrong bra size”. At first it was for sales, but it ended up being so true!! The right size bra makes ALL the difference in how one’s clothes fit. But, this group of drag queens came in one Saturday morning and had me measure them all for bras. I’m completely open minded so I wasn’t uncomfortable, but they couldn’t stop bragging on my body! The curve of my hip, my natural breasts, the shape of my back, the length of my legs, the dozen shades of golden brown and greens in my eyes – i was totally humiliated and flattered beyond belief all at the same time. That was my “oh wow... thats me” moment looking in the mirror while the Queens redressed me, petted me and totally turned me into their life size barbie for an hour. I was so touched because they didn’t want anything from me, no sex, no money, no nothing but just... to help me see the me that they seen. I used my employee discount to get them all amazing deals~ it was the absolute least I could do for those men who changed my life forever. Since then, my weight has gone up and down, but one thing will never change... I will always see the girl they introduced me too, come hell, high water, or liver spots. Because, damn girl, I do look good! ;) ~girl


Around this time of the year i tend to ask myself questions that I love and hate at the same time. Those things that force me to truly look at myself, my actions, my habits, and my thoughts. One that has helped a lot in this area, is asking myself: If I were my best friend, my sister, my mother, my daughter, or some other woman was in my position... would i treat her the way I am treating myself? Why not? How would I treat her better, be more positive, encouraging, etc? If you are owned, would your Owner appreciate how you are treating/talking about His/Her property? If you are unowned, why are you not keeping your future Owner’s property safe until He/She arrives to claim you? These are the things that help me, I hope they might help others? The following paragraph was taken from a post to a new friend, that after second thought, i thought that others might need/want to read also. I struggle with competing voices, I think that we all do. I try to make a mental shift when I find it happening, and "put in a happy tape" (its what I call my good memories), and I focus on them until the "bad tapes" (or the negativity) is far from my mind. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and look myself in the mirror, and say "good morning pretty girl, today you have my complete support." ~girl

Path to Slavery

The path to slavery is so narrow that two cannot walk upon it at the same time, hence why the slave must crawl behind. ~Unknown

There is something about this quote that I love and something that I hate, just as strongly.

I love the imagery it uses to convey the meaning I took, that two people cannot walk equally, head back, eyes on the road, side by side. The slave, if she desires to be such, must be willing to follow. Not only follow, but in such a way that she is at a crawl. That means that the slave must have the faith to abide by His guidance, without seeing the path ahead, only knowing that He is going before her... guiding her... bringing her through... is it easy? Hell no. But then again, nothing worth gaining is easy. The further along the path, perhaps the more it narrows, and the more important the boundaries are.

I think it also speaks volumes about the relationship, that to ensure they remain on that road, their positions must stay constant. I am not saying that He cannot have a bad day, He can, He can also be vulnerable ~ as they are both human... But that doesn’t mean that she should distrust Him completely during those times, maybe those days are when He needs her unwavering faith the most?


I have seen what happens when the girl decides to start walking with Him a million times, there is only room for One to be in control and it usually ends up being the girl who was like “enough of this crawling shit, you don’t know where you are going!” She might as well have said, “I’m walking, move over!” Those “relationships” seem like such a farce because He ends up being lead around by his dick, as if it was His leash.

This is where i tend to get a little hypocritical because I do not agree with the popular mainstream thought of “slave equals complete domestic service and Master means never doing any chores ever, not even taking out the garbage”. Yes, some arrangements may work like that, but it will not be something I could be happy in. I have met so many guys who are just so fucking lazy that they think “I’ll get a slave, that way I don’t even have to wipe my own ass” and its not a quick-fix for having a second mama come take care of him. But that is another rant.

Another issue that tends to get my temper going is when those guys mentioned in the griping above state that a slave cannot ever be a wife, because marriage is between equals and slaves are for animalistic breeding/caging. Those kind of guys, I tend to want to take away the TV/DND/fan-fiction until they wake up and smell the way they probably stink. A marriage is nothing more than a legal way to ensure that someone will be taken care of after you are gone. Yes it has MUCH more meaning to me, but lets be realistic. Legally, this is all that it states. It doesn’t guarantee anything in today’s society, except that you will need a lawyer to break up.

Can a Master love a slave? Yes. Can a Master marry His slave? Yes, if He wishes. Will either cause Him to weaken in His discipline/punishment of her? If He is going to weaken, it will happen even if these two things do not occur. So to avoid both because it might “trigger” that weakness, that is ridiculous. Then again, maybe I'm just... being bitchy?

Questions

This entry is inspired by an email conversation with a new Friend...

1. Besides being a sub/slave/little girl what other things do you see yourself as being?
I am close with my family, and wish to remain so. I strive to be a good daughter that takes care of her parents, an honest sister to Grace and Bubbey. I volunteer in the community when I am able, and truly adore my job. I have an intense need to help others in some fashion, providing a sincere service to the community.

2. What do you do to show how you feel about someone?
I believe in the little things. I leave a note in someone’s car or lunchbox, maybe send Him a text message or voicemail to say I am thinking of Him. I don’t wish to be a bother to someone or be under His feet all the time, but my most sincere dees is to do those tiny things that let Him know that He is on my mind, in my heart, and my focus. When getting my nails polished, I tend to pick colors I know that my Partner will like/prefer. I select a haircut at the length He would dee, and ask His permission before getting my hair colored.

3. What do you feel is a good first meeting offline?
I like the thought of meeting for coffee somewhere quiet yet public, safe yet secluded so that we may talk, whisper, and just get comfortable with each other without the pressures of being completely alone or forcing something to save face in public.

4. How important is communication (example: how often you hear from someone)
I am high maintenance emotionally. I want a moment of His time every day, either a text or an email or a phone call to let me know He is also thinking of me. I understand how people are busy and if something comes up, that is ok, but... I have always believed that if someone truly cared for me, ... He would need to touch base with me at least once during His day. If I was on His mind at all. I know that isn’t exactly very fair, but I am being as honest as possible. I know that I over think things sometimes, but my mind is constantly spinning and running and... I hope that He would be interested in learning my mind also... because I want Him inside my head.

5. I would like you to prioritize what you are looking for in the right one.
a. Honesty. I tend to be crude and say if Someone doesn’t have the balls to be honest with me, then He isn’t strong enough to handle me. I’m a lot of woman, and it will take a strong secure Man to be my Daddy.
b. Consistency. I believe 100% that behaviors are responses of conditioning. We all teach others how to treat us, by what we allow them to do to us. I need Him to be a rock in my crazy ocean of life, and if he is drifting back and forth, wishy washy – then He is teaching me I cannot trust him to be what I need him to be. That being said, it is my responsibility to be consistent to Him also.
c. A certain level of kindness and understanding. Not weakness, but consideration for not only me but others in O/our lives. Thoughtfulness comes naturally to me, but I understand that it is not the same for others. However, how can Daddy understand why I need to be considerate to others if He is not? Plus if Daddy is not polite, how can he teach me the manners that would please him? :)
d. Patience. I have fibromyalgia, I need to know that He will be patient and accepting of me... from limitations to fears. I know though, that this is a very tall order... and a deal breaker for many. I will not judge you it makes me too much to deal with or someone you are uninterested in.

Mental Domination

Capture my mind, and my body will follow.

And He whispered to her in the darkness as we lay together, "Tell Me where to touch you so that I can drive you insane; tell Me where to touch you to give you ultimate pleasure, tell Me where to touch you so that I will truly own you."

She kissed Him softly and whispered back, "Touch my mind."

Unsure who is th author, but I enjoy both quotes.

Co-Existing

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another, unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. ~ Anais Nin

I love Aanis Nin’s view of things and tend to feel like I can relate with her. Unfortunately, I have not discovered my inner strength to reach that level of surrender without clinging to His control, keeping His service primary in my mind requires me to hunger for His strength frequently. Not that I go kicking and screaming, but the more I submit, the more I crave His control.

Working to live versus living to work. Unfortunately, that is a concept I am just now warming up too... I have been living to work, drowning myself in service to others through my employment. I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve been hiding behind it, so that I didn’t have to... 'get real'. It’s crazy because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am submissive, yet the idea of becoming vulnerable to someone again terrifies me completely. How can those two needs co-exist?

I have learned, though, that I want to stop pushing Others away. Just because Someone can leave me, does not mean He will. If I do not start seeing myself as valuable enough to belong to Another, then how can Anyone see me as worth owning? I want to stop backseat driving, try to have faith in the fact that I will continue to be open and honest with myself -- on all levels. Even those parts that I don't like to talk about or think about, especially those parts.... I have said it a million times in the past, if I am unable to control myself on my own, then no One will be able to control me... I need to truly embrace it now.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anaïs Nin

Being Whole

You have to be whole, then meet a whole person, and the two make a great big whole. But if you are half, and he is half, there is a hole.

A new friend gave me this advice recently, due to some major changes I am going through. I am confident about everything in my life except for my fibromyalgia and my surrender... There has been so much going on emotionally that has me shaken, but I know that peace will come soon... :)

Thank you kali for the advice :)

Walls versus Boundaries

What is the difference between building walls and setting boundaries?

This is what I am trying to figure out...

Growing up, I never learned how to set emotional boundaries. Even as an adult, my parents maintain a certain level of control by using guilt, emotional blackmail, or by just bulldozing me into something. Don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and they love me, but... I need to learn where to put that line. I was raised to be honest to a fault, that I should answer whatever questions someone asks even if its something they didn't want to hear. Everything I did wrong was either met with physical discipline or emotional abandonment, hearing how their lives would be so much easier if they just disappeared... didn't come home... or just didn't have me to start with. After the threats came the silent treatment, several days of looking through me, not hearing me, nothing... like I didn't even exist...

This affects my relationships as an adult, when I attempt to set a boundary so that I don’t over-share, I tend to put up a wall and push someone away instead. I don't know how much I should open up, what I should hold back, or how to deal with that panicky vulnerable feeling that I have after opening up... I've always had a problem with this, but it got MUCH worse after my Ex kicked me out and left me in the parking lot that night. Sometimes my... fear of that rejection is so overwhelming... Especially since the development of my fibromyalgia/Lupus complications! I mean if someone didn't want me then, why would they want me now?

I hate doing thist, and want to learn how to correct it. I want to learn how to only respond to what was asked, how to let Someone in without expecting Them to ambush me once they are close... I want to learn to trust myself enough to... let down my guard and truly... be honest about myself... without just rattling off my accusations... and find peace.

I just... want to find peace.

an Iron Gate Essay

An Iron-Gate essay about what a Dominant is...

*begin quote*

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character.

*cut*

To win his submissive's mind, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.

*cut*

He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.

*cut*

He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

*end quote*

I hate to quote so much from somewhere else especially when I can post the link, but I really like these words and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who is real, kind, honorable, consistent, and also Dominant.

I have often wrote about what about him makes a him the one who is able to teach me to be a better person, submissive, and friend. This explains is perfectly: "He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction."

Iron Gate has many essays that are good and informative. This is the one that spoke to me the most tonight...

Hmm... maybe this should be my letter to Santa this year! haha

~girl

Saying goodbye...

I believe things happen for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually start to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things all apart so better things can fall together. ~Marilyn Monroe

we all have heartaches, problems and trust issues, but one can not go through life not trusting or loving others. If we have never had heartache we never know what love, or happiness, really is. The optimist thinks the glass is half full, the pessimist thinks it is half empty. Which are you?

Extremely powerful video... Jordon Sparks sings 'No Air'.

Wishing Him most well...

Just Believe

"There is no use trying," Alice said: "one can’t believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven’t had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carol, Through the Looking Glass

Sometimes we need to believe in things that seem impossible, because that is when we need faith/hope the most.

Fibromyalgia has really been kicking my butt lately. Changes in medications, extended tests, and drama at home seem to have stacked the deck against me right now. Taking things as they come, trying to find calming peace, and rebalance myself... feels impossible. But it isn’t, and after such a rough climb up the mountain, the view always looks sweeter... right?

Verbal Allergies

I have verbal allergies. There are some words that, despite any kind of corrective training I have attempted, still bring out horrible reactions. I can become angry, withdrawn, disgusted, or even sarcastically pissy.

Example: I hate being called clingy, needy, demanding, or that I am overreacting will totally release my wrath! I do not know why I am so severely insulted by these words, their definitions do not make them negative but the connotation of their existence disgusts me.

Unfortunately, this is something that is very difficult to explain, and even more frustrating to try and accept. It is like I switch out of whatever mode I am in (little girl, slave, etc) and become protective Bitch wanting to know what in the hell you mean by that are you talking about? And that's bad.

I am not just talking about those red flags that communicate the person I am talking to is stupid unaware of the meaning of his words. And I am not just talking about those times when someone crosses the line into something that is non of their damn business inappropriate.

Am I the only one who has these responses to certain words? Granted, everyone’s words are different, but could the reactions be similar? Does this even make any sense? Or am I just not thinking clearly today?

To me, it is all about the connotation of the word. Yes we know that definitions are similar, but the ‘feeling’ of the word is what counts. That is what pisses me off so badly.

Please allow me, to set up a scenario in which to demonstrate when my verbal allergies will flare up.

Man-A has found a girl to His liking and demanded control of her very existence. Issuing the order "you will not cum, date, dress, cut your hair, or do anything" without begging MY permission. (Blah blah blah, right?) Girl agrees and now becomes slave{A} and the journey begins. As slave{A} obeys her Master, she may have needs that are not being met or wants to better understand something so that she may improve within her service to Man-A. So slave{A} begs for an extension of His control, maybe a journal or email contact or something, to help her become a better slave to Man-A. However, for some reason unknown to the feminine mind, Man-A decides that slave{A} requesting anything from this all powerful Man is "topping from the bottom", so he takes it upon himself to correct this "demanding" girl. Totally bowled over by the complete lack of communication/understanding between Man and girl, she becomes upset and cries. He chastises her with “emotional girl, stop overreacting."

Or an example from my personal experiences:

Man demands open access to the girl (emotionally physically sexually and mentally), and demands that girl be available, honest, and open with Him at all times. The first few weeks are good, He tells her to contact Him every x hours via text or whatever... But a month into it, or six weeks into it, He decides she is now "clingy needy" and punishes her for doing the very thing he taught her to do.

So instead of being man enough, in either example, to be honest and open with her (which is odd because that is what he demands, yes?) he hides behind words to label her that hysterical woman who isn’t worth his time. Suddenly, she becomes the bag guy even when the situation doesn’t become the bad guy.

Personally I feel like... people take the easy way out. Or don’t want to ‘waste time’ understanding the other perspective, so they chalk everything up to ‘that time of the month’ (like FetLifeGuy gave us that example)... I’m an intelligent person, I do not know everything but I am far from being stupid. And I refuse to down play my intelligence anymore just to save someone’s fragile insecurities.

Hmm or does that make me sound like a bitch?

~girl
or should I sign it bitch. LOL

Journal topic is from a discussion on fetlife

Tenderness

Journal Prompt: Write a letter to a Dominant about yourself and your desires, be open and honest.

Dear Sir...

I have always felt drawn to the image of an iron hand with a velvet glove. The ability to offer a form of tenderness at times, yet remains unyielding to the will of another. To be completely honest, Sir, sometimes I think a certain form of gentleness (at times) can be as intense as sadistic repercussions. If that makes sense, Sir?

I have begun to think that tenderness is a valuable tool. I think that many overlook how powerful it can be. I will admit, Sir, that I used to think gentleness was synonymous with weakness... now I am learning that is not the case. I just had this concept of a Man who shows tenderness to a girl, then He was going soft on her. I understood, Sir, that it can be a rather erotic mind-f^ck at times. But I’m just now realizing that it can be affection, not because she begged for it but because He desires to be affection ate with her. May I ask, Sir, do you feel that a Master can be in love with His slave? Can he truly love her, or will that distract from His ability to discipline and mold her?

I don’t wish to be micro-managed, Sir, but at the same time I cannot go from One having complete control to being in control of myself again, on a whim. I am easily confused when One wants control completely but only sometimes, when He has time for it or sneaks away from work to ‘play for a moment’. I don’t understand that type of wishy-washy domination.

I am able to make decisions and stand on my own. And once I surrender to the right One, I wouldn’t mind protecting His property and making those choices based on what He would like best (after I learn his preferences). But deep down, I want to feel His control, His desire for my surrender, that He still wants me as His. Or is that selfish, Sir? I know that so many have been hurt in the past, Sir, and I’m not implying that my pain has been worse than anyone else’s... but I have major abandonment issues. Which is natural after being dropped without a word, or the Guy just disappears. I understand your words, Sir, that I just need to have faith and remove that barrier... but I don’t know if I could pick up the pieces again. I’ve gotten to the point where I need to get over it and move past it... I can truly relate with this quote:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -- Anais Nin

I just... sometimes I think something is wrong with me. There are nights, most nights, I cannot stop crying. I don’t know where all this pain is coming from, my sister says I had kept it all locked away for so long that now I have opened pandora’s box I will never get it shut. And sometimes, I think she is right. Most of the time it is a cleansing emotion, that some kind of peace behind. Other times, I just get so confused that I just want to block everything out again. I don’t want to be clingy or needy, but for the first time – ever – I am able to admit to myself that I do want/need a Master... Daddy... Owner... all of it. Not just “any” guy, but the right one. I’m not desperate or trying to rush, but actually admitting that I hope to meet the right One one day... is liberating to a certain extent (and terrifying!).... is that bad?

Thank you again for listening...
~girl

Declare Yourself -- Vote!

I love these pictures...

Voting is not a 'right' it is something that millions of Americans, young and old, of all races, of both genders ~ have died to give you... Do not make light of their sacrifice because of your own laziness that keeps you from being involved.



This morning, I shared the voting experience with my Mom. This afternoon, I took my sister Grace to her to place her very first vote.

Ariel

A dear Friend suggested a name for my inner-kitten.

Ariel!

Ariel is an Archangel, from the Hebrew 'Lion of God'. Archangel Ariel is known as the Angel of Healing and New Beginnings. I thought it appropriate to you. I found it further enhanced by my thought of having a lioness who purrs at my touch alone and becomes a kitten for her daddy protector. Plus you are a Leo.

I like it! Still thinking on how one names herself, I really don't feel that strongly connected with the name but I love the thought He put into it and how much it screams 'me' :) Plus it is the name of one of my favorite Disney princesses!

Thank you Sir!!

Neko girl photo was taken by the brilliant Marcus Ranum.

to Snoop or Not to Snoop

So, the scene - Dom and sub have negotiated specific relationship boundaries. They are monogamous and there is no room for outside play or relationships. They are not poly. The sub suspects the Dom of, if not outright cheating, at least talking to someone else, possibly leaning in that direction. What do you believe constitutes the way the situation should be handled from the sub's perspective?

Why does the girl feel He is cheating? Is there evidence to support the fact that His interests are elsewhere? Or does she feel insecure in her own ability to please Him, and convinced herself that He is still searching? Or maybe the Guy is just dense and doesn’t realize that His toying with others is hurting his primary? Cheating, although wrong, is not the issue most of the time it is a symptom of bigger problems in a relationship.

I work very hard to try and discover the reason behind my desire to snoop. If I cannot figure out what it is I need or am looking for, I will address it directly with the One I am in a relationship with. Lets be honest, if I cannot be direct and honest with someone then why am I letting Him control me?!

I am the kind of girl who will ask permission to address something bluntly with Him, and then ask for guidance because of this feeling of distrust that is coming between us. After that conversation, if I am still convinced that something stinky is going on, it is up to me to decide to trust Him or not. If I make the choice to trust Him, then I stop questioning Him. However, if I decide that it is something I cannot do, I have no other choice than to end things.

I do not snoop. Period. I have too much self-respect (and a temper) for that. No offense is meant to you snoopers out there, but I don’t play that cat-n-mouse game. Anything that is discovered (or isn’t discovered) during the act of spying will not be seen in the right light and everything will become a tool that the snooper uses to dig herself deeper into the hole. When you go looking for dirt, you will always find it because that is the keyhole you are looking through.

I have learned the very hard way that if I cannot trust my Partner for one thing, then the more important things should not be trusted with Him either. If I cannot believe that someone is honoring our agreement of monogamy, then He will not respect our decision of limits. And as my own personal pet peeve, a cheating Partner is putting my health in jeopardy, by sexually fooling around with someone who has heavens knows what. Not to mention what being with someone you cannot trust does to your mind. If I sincerely believe that He has crossed that line into cheating, then he is not worth the risk of my sexual or emotional health.

To address another issue brought up in this discussion, I do not think it is a double standard for a Master to have access to my conversations without allowing me the same in return. That is as different as night and day. You are correct that there can be no untruths between Master and slave. An Owner does not keep notice of my interactions because He doesn’t trust me, it is to help Him guide me. How can a Man be in control over someone when He doesn’t know what is going on? The choice of seeing every word I type is up to Him, but it has to be for the right reasons. Do I want to read every word that crosses His computer screen? No, I don’t. That will take my focus from Him and my service to Him and put it on how He interacts with everyone else. If that makes sense?

Taken from a discussion on FL,
posted is my edited response.

Manners and BDSM

It seems to me that manners seem to be longing in most BDSM relationships. Why is it that "please" and "thank you" are not used by Masters when ordering their slaves? i would think some of the reasoning might be because they shouldn't have to say please, but in polite modern society shouldn't we all?

For those with young children in their midst - Do you say please and thank you around your children? Will they learn manners if you don't?

Just curious what others do..

I love the saying, "Etiquette is outward facing, and protocol is inward facing."

Manners are HUGE for me. I serve because I need too, but that smile and “thank you” from an Owner reminds me of my focus. . . to serve Him.

In my humble opinion, showing respect is not limited to just a slave and it does not question One’s ability to maintain control. Those who are so caught up in the wording of a sentence, and make judgments based on those misconceptions. With all due respect, people either get it or they don’t. If someone doesn’t understand that someone who says ‘thank you’ is still a Master, then he or she just doesn’t get it.

Being brought up in a small town in the South, being polite is a sign of self-respect. Which is probably why Sir/Ma'am comes to my lips easily and often, even with vanilla friends or someone who is just helping me in general. I think that is why this is such an issue for me. So if a Guy doesn’t respect Himself enough to say ‘thank you’ or ‘please’ at times, why should I respect Him enough to call Him ‘Master’?

Granted, my Owners in the past have not always say please or thank you. But I will admit that I had stronger responses to Those who did, because an iron hand can have a velvet touch sometimes. It doesn’t make the hand less rigid or defined. Besides, I whole-heartedly feel that the intensity of the request does not need to be done in a harsh loud voice. Its like that expression “True power whispers, it doesn’t need to yell.” So a please or thank you will not make it more of a ‘request’ when the underlying power communicates it is an order. Plus ‘that commanding whisper’ throwing in a ‘please’ can be a most delicious mind-fuck...

As far as it having an effect on children within the relationship: Using manners together as a family unit (and with others outside of that unit) will teach your daughter that etiquette is important no matter who or where you are. Children are sponges and cannot help but absorb their environment, as parents it is a priority to make sure that includes positive aspects of childhood, like being polite.

Then again, I tend to side with the ‘nurture’ side of most things. :)

Elana's slightly edited response to
an interesting group post/discussion on FL.

Responsibility

Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible forever, for what you have tamed.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I love this picture, the peaceful rest that comes from having One you trust completely in control. The ability to relax next to Him, happy just to touch Him, the calm that is produced from focusing on obedience and pleasing Him.

I like this quote and I dislike this quote.

I do think that everyone should not take certain decisions lightly, and that when in control of another, things must be thought out thoroughly. I have never understood the desire to keep a person at home instead of working, but then the complaint of “little money coming in” is voiced almost immediately after. Or on the flip side, the angry stabs of “He is not making decisions!” coupled with non-obedience. I think it all boils down to people who are not happy with themselves cannot be happy with someone else.

But at the same time, one cannot just up and quit one day. Where does that leave your partner? Especially when the One who decides to 'stop' is the One who was in complete control. You guided your partner to this level of dependence and fed her need of your attention, so it is your responsibility to take her back to an appropriate level of independence. It takes two people to keep things alive and fun, just having adventurous interests in the bedroom does not mean that both are off the hook as far as keeping things fresh. I don't think that many Owners understand how intensely ownership hits a girl, that it isn't something she can just 'snap out of' and go back to being Princess Barbie.

When I began this post, I had more to put down. . . but my fibro isn’t allowing me to remain here long (and the pain is distracting my thoughts) so I think I’m finished with this quote. :)

Lonely

I've been kind of lonely. Thing is, I have been dealing with a major fibro flareup for several weeks now. The pain is so intense sometimes, that every little thing is difficult. I cry a lot, not only because I'm hurting but also because I can't rest. And then, when I am beginning to pull out of it, I realize that I'm not as sensitive and can run my fingers over my shoulders or something... That's when I start to miss being touched. Not sexually, just... touched. I know part of a natural response to chronic pain is a sort of emotional roller coaster, but I am never prepared for the touched-starved feeling that follows. It leaves me very vulnerable.

I'm really not crazy. Most of the time I am level headed and I don't open up easily. Maybe that is why being this... emotionally raw is so unsettling?

Love to be your Last

Love to be your Last

Sung by Clay Walker

If I had it my way.
This would be the first time that you made love.
I'd be the first man that your hands touched.
But we'd both done our share of living.
Takin chances we were given.

I've never been big on looking back.
I don't care if I'm your first love.
But I'd love to be your last.

If I could do it over.
I'd have waited for this moment to give my heart to you unbroken.
But if our mistakes brought us together.
Doesn't really matter whether, we were saints or sinners in the past
I don't care if I'm your first love.
I'd just love to be your last.

All I know is what I see when I look at you.
And all I see is what I'm feeling down inside.
And all I'm feeling is the feeling that I finally got it right.

When I wake up tomorrow.
I'm going to throw my arms around you.
Thank my lucky stars I found you.
Cause I know your heart has so much more than any man has touched before that.
Nothing matters more to me than that.

I don't care if I'm your first love, but I'd love to be your last.

The Final Inspection

The Final Inspection

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass,
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"

The soldier squared his shoulders and
said, "No, Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough,
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills got just too steep,

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear,
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place
Among the people here,
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand,
I've never expected, or had much,
But if you don't, I'll understand."

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod,
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

"Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.

Author Unknown

bitchiness

Go ahead... I have a shovel and
plenty of room in the back yard.
Yeah, its been that bad lately.

Lets just say that the sweet soft-spoken girl I used to be has been kicked out by a 'shovel toting body dumping do not sass me if you know what is good for you' bitch. The worst part is that I don't even give a rat's ass if anyone else doesn't like it. my focus is either ball up or shut up.

Its not that I am just short-tempered or in a bad mood. And to be honest, I’m unsure if it is the seemingly constant muscle pain/stiffness... or the return of being dizzy, shaky, and queasy the majority of the time... or perhaps it could be the never ending hot flashes that last all freaking night. So that I cannot rest because the sweating pouring off of my entire body completely wears me out even further... I don't know what it is, but something is wrong. I think the worst part is the splitting migraines that fill my head with so much pain I cannot even think. No matter how obedient I am to doctor’s regimes, massive amounts of expensive medication I take, or how honest I am with everyone - I cannot find a primary doctor who is able to see past my body to see my symptoms, or who knows enough about fibromyalgia to realize that something is wrong.

I am adjusting to major medication changes and trying to manage these severe fibro flares . . . I just want to be back to normal as soon as possible.

Anthony LaPaglia

He is arrogant.

He makes decisions without thinking things through.

He has trust issues.

He bottles everything up.

But he is sexy as hell.

Call me crazy, but I have fallen in lust with that loose cannon, Jack Malone on Without a Trace.

Then again, I have always had feelings for those renegade like confident Men who just get shit done.

Hmmm I wonder if this One spanks?

Whisper

Grace made graphics today while she had some downtime at work, one for all three of us (Grace, Pixie, and myself). Grace has become so incredibly perceptive over the last year and a half, two years. Not only did she create this breath-taking graphic for me, but she also found a powerful song to match it. These lyrics made me feel vulnerable. . . exposed. . .

Whisper
Sung by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

Lingering Scars

I am reading a book by Christine Feehan (I LOVE her!) and one of the characters just had this revelation that until she deals with her ‘issues’ in a healthy way, they will continue to take her off guard and come out of no where. But once a person has worked through the problems, the memories will be from a place of strength because the person is no longer slave to those memories. Instead of a victim, he or she becomes a survivor.

Like so many other people, I have had my trust violated in the past. Abusive relationships and non-consensual events happen every day; as much as I wish they didn’t, they do. As much as I would like to think that the abuser is also left with scars that . . . never seem to heal, it seems it is only the one who was abused. Even after the nightmares stop, the event becomes a sometimes thought in the background instead of constantly in the background of her mind, some form of disfigurement still remains. Especially with those who foolishly believe they have finally become free of it.

This girl’s physical scars healed a long time ago. The mental scars took a bit longer, but they too have been cured. Until this week, the girl had no idea her emotional wounds have gone untended. I always thought that it was natural to take a long time to develop trust, opening up emotionally is difficult but especially after everything in my past. I go to the extremes, either the person does not reach me at all or I become this emotionally raw nerve that cannot handle the stimulation.

On some level, I knew that intimacy is difficult for me . . . but now I realize that I am and have been completely emotionally disconnected from being physical with someone. Yes I have engaged with another person since the violations, but it doesn’t really mean much to me. It has been this animalistic hormonal need for release, not an act that is an expression of love respect and affection. Talking about it is like talking about the weather to me, it doesn’t touch or reflect anything about my personality, thoughts or feelings.

Perhaps being able to admit that this is an area I need to work on or become more conscious of is the first step towards emotional healing. What gives me comfort, though, is that in the book, Feehan’s character (who had the same problem) had a partner that understood. Then again, that is imaginary and this is real life. . . .

Love

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give. That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.
~Madonna


Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give, which is everything.
~Katharine Hepburn

I really like both of these quotes, the message is close to my heart. I think, though, that in addition to loving someone else completely we must love ourselves unconditionally. Otherwise, how can we truly embrace who the other person is? I think that both of these are about very best friends or sisters, not just a Significant Other.

I am a Tree

Storms make trees take deeper roots. ~Dolly Parton.

The last forty-eight hours have been totally chaotic, emotionally draining, and hurt more than I ever thought possible.

I don’t know what in the hell is going on in anyone's mind, but everything in my world has been turned upside down. Yet the only way I can express my pain right now is through verbally explosive anger. Not at my family or anyone at work, but I think its my medication that has been causing me to be . . . mean. (Poor Spanker and Trucker are getting most of it right now.)

Grace took me aside today and listened, she has been amazingly mature about everything. She has been supportive and hasn’t given me her opinion or try to influence my thoughts one way or another. She did give me something to think about though. . . and it has helped a lot.

I am like a tree, my spirit/personality/heart is the trunk. The tree presented to the world and experiencing everything, good and bad.

Some people are my roots. Keeping me grounded, giving me nourishment. No matter what happens, these people are absolutely there to keep me safe.

Some people are the branches, extensions of myself, my thoughts, my needs, my interests. These people reflect my attention, desires, and where my focus is. Storms come and go, yet the branches flex and sway with the winds to remain intact. Sometimes, when the connection between trunk and branch weaken, the branch can break. . . if not removed from the tree eventually, the dead branch will smother/kill the tree.

Some people are the leaves and will be there for a season, before falling away. Not really connected to me in a way other than through my branches.

People are in your life for a reason or a season. Grace said that sometimes we need to wait and see how things go. . . that if it works out, then the person was a root after all. But if it falls apart completely, never to recover, then the person was a branch and. . . it was time. I understand where Grace is coming from, she is trying to help me remember to be patient yet observant.

Grace hugged me so tight, and said the very same thing I had been thinking “Elana, I know that Pixie is a root. Maybe you both just needs some time.”

And I cried. . . and I pray she is right.

With a broken heart. . . .

"We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are not better than animals. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths."
~Greys Anatomy

Many people like to believe that we are better than animals, human beings capable of complicated thought, intoxicating desires, fierce anger, and extraordinary adventures. . . But once we are hurt, we all respond the same. Lashing out to everyone, anyone in our path, guarding ourselves with a blinding fierceness so that anyone without range is attacked and destroyed. Spewing venom and using whatever we can to assault the other, suddenly. . . this elegant thoughtful animal is after blood.

Tonight I got the call I never thought I would never get. I accept pixie’s choice to end our 8-year friendship. I don’t agree with her reasons but I will accept her decision. To put it in her words, "I will email you in a few days after I think and after that I want no more contact with you."

In the past, I have fought to get her back, chased her through emails and phone calls until she could call one day and it would all back to normal. If it had been anyone else, I would have ended things between that friend who hurt me so badly and I, or would have checked out of the friendship. But because it was pixie, I didn’t. I always believed that whatever happened was not intended to hurt me as badly as it did. I always gave her a chance to explain and believed her reasons, no matter how thoughtless they sounded or what little sense they made to me at that time. I knew, deep down, she wouldn't hurt me intentionally. Apparently she doesn’t have that level of faith in me.

I think the part that hurt the absolute most, was when pixie said “I didn’t think anything of it but my daughter spent several hours until I realized what you did to me.” I’ve been nothing but good to pixie and her children, and knowing pixie as I do, things were presented out of context to the daughter. . . who doesn’t understand the connection pixie and I share. . . shared. . . share?

I changed my blog address yesterday, so that isn’t related to what happened. But yes, I have removed her from my author's list. Yes I deleted the speed dials link to her contact information. Yes I will eventually take her number from my cell. . . but not because I am feeling guilty. . . because I miss her already. . . I’m trying so hard to respect her decision to end our friendship, and on some level. . . I’m not strong enough to do this later, so it has to be done now. . . . while I am still hurt from her attack.

I always thought she loved me unconditionally, as I love her, but it seems she found a way to push me away. I have always trusted her completely, yet she has no faith in me at all. And if this is what she truly wants. . . I will honor that request.