Self-conquest

Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess. ~Thomas Merton

I feel like I cannot deny who I am, but the truth is that it is my choice. I can settle for vanilla and deny part of myself, or I can take the big risk and be who I am. I have to be able to take care of myself and be who I am, confident in who I am... otherwise someone cannot come along and dominate me. If I'm not able to keep myself under self-discipline then One cannot take control. How can I give what I do not have? I can't expect someone to come along and gather the reigns of my life and tame the wild horses, if I am not prepared for that level of mastery.

I think that this is a quality that tends to attract the "lazy dominants" because I seem to have things together (on the surface). So this attracts those who think the work is mostly finished in claiming mastery over me, but when they really see how much I need emotionally, its way to much for them to handle. I know this sounds egotistic but I really wonder if this is the truth. For as much as I crave the mastery and control of Another, I tend to attract those who are weak and need my constant reassurance of my own level of control... to a certain extent.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle myself on my own.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle being in control.

I am not submissive because
I cannot take care of myself.

I am submissive because
it is who my heart is, I need to serve.

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