Longing

Craving

Aching

Yearning

Hungery

But... for what?

Drop in the Bucket

Holding tight to this concept, keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this. Trying to see my inner strength and find that inner calm to comfort myself. There is nothing anyone can do. There is nothing I can do, other than look forward to tomorrow. I don't mean to sound pouty or depressed, because I am neither. I'm just completely exhausted and drained. Anyway, this picture really touched me and I wanted to post it.

Until later.

Conditional Slut

Is it harder to be a slut when you're falling apart?

For me, yes it is much harder. I cannot go to that place of complete focus on Him with the absolute abandonment of my own control. Not control of the situation but control of myself... my fears, my desires, my arousal. I have to feel safe, I have to feel that He can take that control that i have relinquished. If I am falling apart emotionally, I need Him to pull me back together. If He can anchor me, ground me, then arouse me intensely... That is when I am truly His... I think those moments, are when I truly become His slut.

The Olive Tree

Received this in an email and wanted to share.

The Olive Tree

A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her. She felt that to submit to him would mean she would open her heart to unbearable pain should he ever leave her. She hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away in panic.

The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love and devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen and open like a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and his impressive size towered above her like a giant tree. Then he began to speak...

The Olive Tree

I'm here for you...now and always no matter how far time and space takes us.... Whether you walk away from me today or you stay and serve me I will not turn from you. I am as patient as time itself; I will take not from you unless you give freely and completely of yourself but I give onto you regardless-- for my love is unconditional....

Like the olive tree that can both feed you and shade you I am there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you need... If your skin grows dry and loses its luster, the oil from my fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort my leaves will gently caress your face with the slightest breeze. When you need discipline my branches will correct you when the wind blows strong, If you just need my shade to protect you from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you need warmth at night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to keep you warm and safe;
if you need a refreshing breeze my leaves will fan you and cool you.

You are my gardener.

When you submit to me; you tend that which keeps me vibrant and full of life. When you kneel under me an till the soil you give breath to my roots. When you water me, my sap flows strong through me and raise my limping branches. When you soil yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare hands you strengthen me, and humble me with your devotion. Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without you. Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me vibrant and nurtures my very core. The sustenance and protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still the gardener serves the tree from her heart and the tree gives to her heart all that he can! I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you walk away from me.... But be assure I will survive. One hundred years later and two of your lifetimes; I will still be there waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for we are complementary to each other. I am your devotion, and you give meaning to my existence. Apart we live life and survive; together we bloom eternally! As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to sleep at his feet. That night, he stood planted there like the Olive tree offering her his unconditional love and protection as she would tend to him with her devotion the next day....and everyday thereafter.

Self-conquest

Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess. ~Thomas Merton

I feel like I cannot deny who I am, but the truth is that it is my choice. I can settle for vanilla and deny part of myself, or I can take the big risk and be who I am. I have to be able to take care of myself and be who I am, confident in who I am... otherwise someone cannot come along and dominate me. If I'm not able to keep myself under self-discipline then One cannot take control. How can I give what I do not have? I can't expect someone to come along and gather the reigns of my life and tame the wild horses, if I am not prepared for that level of mastery.

I think that this is a quality that tends to attract the "lazy dominants" because I seem to have things together (on the surface). So this attracts those who think the work is mostly finished in claiming mastery over me, but when they really see how much I need emotionally, its way to much for them to handle. I know this sounds egotistic but I really wonder if this is the truth. For as much as I crave the mastery and control of Another, I tend to attract those who are weak and need my constant reassurance of my own level of control... to a certain extent.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle myself on my own.

I am not submissive because
I cannot handle being in control.

I am not submissive because
I cannot take care of myself.

I am submissive because
it is who my heart is, I need to serve.

Topic provided by Sensual Service

Powerful

He who controls others may be powerful,
but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
~ Lao Tzu.