Expectations

Sometimes I feel like a hypocritical bitch.

Yes, I want a Man who is dominant, confidant, and sparks that fire within. Putting his hand in my hair, crushing my body to his, and igniting my need with his own desires. But don’t go all horny on me because I will shut down faster than a Jewish business at closing time.

Yes I need Him to be a bit patient with me ~ I have serious trust and abandonment issues to overcome. But don’t wait around forever waiting on me to throw myself at your feet, you will quickly become a ‘friend’ and not in the running for my heart.

So why is it that I have one of two categories to place most guys into? Either he is an ass who can’t control his hormones, or he’s a pussy whipped vanilla guy. Where is that balance between being patient with my needs and commanding of my desires? I want that spark—no, I need that spark to truly focus my attention on someone and he needs to be patient until I cannot stand it anymore and must surrender myself to Him completely.

I often think of Men like fishermen, casting their lures into the water in hopes of enticing a delicious fish onto their hooks. I want to be snagged by his bait and slowly reeled in, maybe he gives me some slack but isn’t fooled by my charms or seduced by my ploys ~ I want him to hold firm and maintain control... and be the man!

¤ I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent who has the courage to treat me like a woman. ¤ ¤ Anais Nin ¤

Hurricane Paci

Completely unprepared for the response this pacifier had.
Taken back by the instant drop to her.
Wasn't ready for it's mental aftermath.

I need time to think.

more to come... maybe.

True Womanhood

I understood then what true womanhood was. It was not the denial and frustration of femininity, but the full surrender to it, being true to, and honest to, my deepest nature and needs. Femininity was not incompatible to womanhood. It was its expression. ~Kajira of Gor~

To my Master

To my Master,

I keep having this dream about you... about us.

Just before I’m asleep, your hands grab my body. Roughly pushing me forward and taking me hard, fast, each grunt asking me “who do you belong to”, “who does your body belong to”. Totally lost in your words, your touch, your body, your need igniting my own...

After several delightful minutes of this, suddenly you withdraw from me completely. Slowly, your hand pushes my shoulder back onto the bed and you slip up next to me. The gentleness in your touch is surprising, your touch almost mocks my desperate urgency for your body.

I hear that laugh, that devilish laugh that rocks me to my very soul. Your eyes refuse to release my gaze! Those eyes that can strip me bare before you, giving me the look that is a strong reminder that I am yours to command yours to torture yours to tease yours completely.

And then you are different, well not different, just a side of you that I have yet to experience... until this moment. Yet its something, I’ve always felt, always knew was there between us. Thinking back about it, makes my eyes swell with tears.

Firm yet gentle, your words command me to maintain eye contact with you. As I start to question, you remind me that I am yours, my body is yours, yours to use and yours to explore. Your hands, mouth, breath investigate my body, every inch of skin from my face to my ankles and back, with a painful slowness that drives me near madness.

You take your time, not because I have asked you to or because it is my birthday. Simply because you enjoy the taste of my skin, the heat of my flesh against your hands, the sharp intake of breath as you discover yet another way to enjoy me. You savor each movement in my response to your methods, toying with my body because you can. Taking pleasure from what belongs to you, on your own schedule ~ not at the speed demanded by your hormones.

You desire to reach a part of my soul that has always been untouched. That part of me that is so heavily guarded, I forgot it existed. You want all of me, not just my lust or my kinks. You demand 100% and are determined to possess me totally. Enchanting me with your gentleness, lavishing with your patience, purposively so that that unbreakable wall crumbles.

Tears spill from my lashes as my heart finally submits to you, that wall completely gone to reveal the depths of my need. Those eyes, oh god those eyes... They capture mine once more. You state that you love me... Your body claims mine, you tell me that I am yours...

As passion gives way to contentment, hugging me to your side, my cheek against your chest, your heart racing as much as mine... You whisper “that’s My girl” and hold me until I fall asleep...

That is where I wake up. For an instant, I reach for you... and then I cry... That’s how real the dream is.

Each dream is the same, each night I succumb to your tender dominance, that loving touch that drives away every dark shadowy place in my heart... silences each negative old voice in my head that distracts me from your pleasure. But for that moment, all I felt and heard was you.

Is this even possible? Who knows. Maybe this is a submissive girl’s fairy tale. Is it wrong that this has become my fantasy? Maybe it is just because I haven’t experienced love expressed in tenderness? Is it controlling or vanilla for me to admit that I do long for this? Yes I enjoy the kink and yes I need the control. I long to serve, to be pleasing, and to devote myself to One’s will... Is it bad to want earth-shattering gentleness too?

*This letter is to a mythical Master, as this girl is unowned.