Flowers

Its funny what we remember. my Dad was a horrible gardener, he loved the thought of growing his own vegetables (especially tomatoes) and flowers, but was easily discouraged by his lack of natural ability. I get my struggles with horticulture from him. I know in my brain what to do, I've been instructed by some of the best. I know what to do with my hands, I've been taught numerous times to plant, transfer, etc... But the watering is what I can't get a handle on. Neither could Dad. I used to laugh and shake my head every time I would see him hauling water to potted plants around our house. He would wait until it rained, as if it triggered the memory of the flowers needing water. He would see me and smile, saying "elana I figure God is the master-gardener... and if He needs to water His flowers, then so do I." Which of course would crack me up and I would say, "Ok Dad, you go right ahead."

I hadn't thought of that in years... And today as I was on my way home from a meeting, it began to sprinkle. I thought of my Dad. When I got home, I filled the pitcher and began watering my plants...

I know it sounds silly, to water when its raining...
but I figure God is the master-gardener...
if He needs to water His flowers,
then so do I.

lost in grief

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me as if
I were beside you there.
~ Isla Paschal Richardson

I know that is what Dad would want. I've tried so hard to give that to him -- or rather to his memory. This afternoon, I'm not strong enough. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss getting angry at him. I miss fighting with him. I miss laughing with him. I just miss him, everything about him. The way he smells, the way he laughs, the way he snores, even the way he cries.

I am so confused right now, everything is going crazy and I can't catch my breath. Work is moving to fast. Some friends are putting way too much pressure on me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know anything right now -- just that I miss him and I don't want to be where I'm at. No, I don't know where I would rather be instead. I'm doing a pretty good job faking it, I think that most people have moved on to something else... but I can't. I don't know how.

I can't sleep. Last night I took a sleep aid for the first time ever and all it did was give me the worst dream yet... and a headache today. I haven't slept in weeks... my dreams are getting worse and I think I'm losing it. I don't know why I can't sleep, and no I don't want to talk about. There is nothing to talk about. My Dad died. Not her husband, not her father, not his father in law, my Dad. My Dad died... and I can't seem to let go of how much it hurts.

I feel so messed up that I don't know if I am coming or going

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to

Alice: I don't much care where.

The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.

0The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Quizzes

elana took the "What's your ideal man?" quiz and the result is The Cowboy.

If he has snakeskin boots and a wide brimmed hat, your hearts a fluttering! He is fearless, loves to get down and dirty, and not afraid of hard work. He is a loyal family man, and wants to provide for them in any way possible. He loves riding horses, training horses, caring for livestock, agriculture and has a deep love for dogs. He is not one to rely soley on his physical skills, as most Cowboys are also highly intelligent. Not only is he good on the farm, but he's also talented at sweet talking you and could lasso your heart a mile away. There is no shortage of charm with the Cowboys, for them chivalry is not dead and never will be. For a rough and tumble type, he really does have a soft inner core when it comes to loved ones, and he isn't afraid to show it.

elana took the "What is the symbol of your personality?" Quiz.

You are very loved. Everyone finds you a welcoming, warm person. They look to you for advice and comfort, and someone to just have a good time with. Your personality is seen as cliche and average, but in truth, you have talents and skills and ideas that no one has thought of before. You are someone with style. You are good with colors, and you know how to color people's worlds and minds to your way. You think new relationships are a coloring book, to fill them in with fulfilling conversations and meetings. You may seem nice and perfect and beautiful, you have a policy of "forgive but never forget". You always remember your enemies if you have any, and you know where to steer. Sometimes, when you're completely lost, you are dependent on friends for help. You hope they'll be there for you, but sometimes you fear that they won't be. That is something you are afraid of. You are ready to give, but you are also ready to accept. To many, it seems like you change your personality just for different people, but in fact, you are the one thing that's not changing. Other people grow on you, and grow fond of you, not the other way around. You are always yourself, and you are definite.

elana took the "What were you in a past life?" quiz and the result is Barmaid.

You were a barmaid. You lived to serve others. For the longest time, you thought your name was wench. You were a sweet thing, but could stand your ground at times. Your self esteem was sometimes low, as men tended to belittle you at times, but you found the courage when needed to slap a man for bad behavior. In this life, you are the life of the party, you know how to manipulate people to get what you want, but you can still be as nice as you can be.

elana took the "Are YOU a Southern Bell or a Redneck Princess?" quiz and the result is Dixie Sweetheart.

A Southern woman with etiquette, but a bit sweeter. You're more likey to step aside if you know something will make them happy. Quite a bit more shy than the Southern Bell and way classier than the Redneck Woman. Any man taking you out better have charm and know how to speak up when he likes you.