Being yourself

So far 2011 is starting with a bang, I don't mind so much because I am confident that this will be a great year.  I have felt pretty good, dealing with flares as they come.  We have had so much snow that it was beginning to feel like I lived in a snow-globe!  my Puppy is making me laugh and work has been good.

I'm still a bit confused/lost when it comes to my slavery/service and what path I want to take as far as relationships go.  In my heart, I am submissive...  Yet in my mind, I'm not sure anymore.  I am blessed with a family and friends who like me just the way I am... even if I'm not sure who that is :)

Looking back...

How true this feels...

Especially lately...

I miss you, Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today is my Dad's birthday... he would have been 53.  January first has seven months since we lost him, everyone says it will get easier but it hasn't.


Sometimes when I have be out of town and pull into the driveway, I will see his truck parked next to the house and think he is home.  Finding his chair empty and the dark house chilly, I am reminded that he is gone.  After seven months you would think I would stop looking for him... 


The holidays weren't that bad, but the first few days of January have been really hard.  I think about him everyday, but it seems that everyone else has moved on.  We are using kerosene to heat again, that was always something he and I did together.  Every evening when I drape a towel across the driver's side of the windshield to keep it from icing I think of him, of how I laughed watching him try and scrape the towel off the icy glass.  I miss the way he kept his television so loud that it echoed in the rest of the house, the way he would smack his lips after he drank a cold glass of iced tea.  


I hope Dad is having a wonderful birthday... I know he is happy, safe, and healthy... as much as I love him and miss him, I can't be selfish enough to wish for him back.