Haircut

I had been growing my hair out for almost three years.

This is the longest my hair has been in almost a decade.

I hate having long hair.

I always have and I think I always will.

It takes a while to wash, then it takes forever to dry. It is hot as hell in the summers!! It frizzes, it breaks, it sheds... But more importantly, I don't know what to do with it! A pony tail is good sometimes, but not every day. Dog ears are childish and not fit to wear to work. Leaving it down not only makes me temperature hot but gives me a pyramid head :(

So today, I took action. Eight inches off the shortest layer, five inches off the longest layer. Going into the salon, my hair was longer than my armpit... Coming out, it barely brushes my shoulders.

OK ~ So I didn't get this exact haircut, but my new one isn't that much longer. It isn't this exact color, yet, but hopefully by next weekend it will be pretty close. :)

Besides, it was time for a change!

Updated on May 7, 2009 to add that,
now my hair is these colors!
And I love it!

PSA on Proper Ettiquette

Hello Sir. Please Sir may Sir a Sir girl Sir blog Sir? Sir, thank Sir You Sir for Sir allowing Sir a Sir inferior Sir girl Sir to Sir blog Sir.

Although I i am always open to learning new ways to be pleasing, I i was given an "etiquette lesson" today that drove me crazy. I i should have seen the signs, but this time the guy GUY got by me... for about fifteen seconds.

First, 'in order to ensure I i was worth his HIS attention', He grilled me on the protocol I i may have picked up over my time in 'the lifestyle'. Did I i know to appropriately capitalize ANYTHING that might refer to HIM in the big huge dom-ly masculine letters? Which on the flip side, meant that anything relating to myself should be in tiny little itty bitty insignificant and extremely inferior letters... because he He HE is so SUPERIOR.

Secondly, he HE chastised me for not using 'SIR' enough in my statements. 'It is to be used every few words, slave, at the beginning and end of every sentence!' So in an attempt to be funny/cute, I i piped up with 'Yes Sir SIR, thank YOU SIR for teaching this stupid girl SIR.' However, he HE took it that I i was 'easily trainable'.

So when I i sought out clarification from him HIM on this --- no wait, that was a mistake too because I i didn't beg HIM for HIS BAST MASTERLY permission to cast my tiny womanly question into the ring where he HE might need to read them... (which I i was corrected yet AGAIN by the ALL POWERFUL COLLARMEGOD for having the gall to dare question anything a kid MAN has to say...)

(Yes by this time, I was clearly fucking with him.)

So after I i corrected my ignorant ways and properly pleaded for HIS permission to open my mouth with a question, he HE decided in HIS ALL MIGHTY KNOWING OF EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN that my question was irreverent anyway as a lowly female life form cannot possibly have anything to say of interest to this ass ASS -- err MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Funny, I thought that position was already taken.




At the risk of sounding like a bitch:

To those new Folks out there, this would be a major "Masterly Conversation DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME EVER" because clearly he needed to see all the CAPS and verbal cowering to know his position. If you are that easily swayed from your self-image, then perhaps you should stay on the porch. And if you do this, stop immediately because people (like me) are laughing at you, not with you.

That concludes my public service announcement.

Steamy Confession

Dear Diary,

It happened again! This time it was so much more intense... the first strike against my flesh almost brought tears to my eyes, yet as the blows rained down onto my body, the masochist within awakened... her voice overriding my own... The warmth soaked within to ignited scorching lava to course through my veins. Searing bites roused rosy splotches to pale canvas, fire was set to my body, heat within matching the fierceness of the attack. Turning this way and that, nothing was safe ~ my ass, breasts, thighs, back, and arms were unable to escape each strike! Painslut rears her head, muffled cries of surrender drown out by the echo of each hit, fingers curl around the bar as knees go weak, unable to control the lewd responses of my own body...

I can't think.

I can't breathe.

I hate this!

I love this!

I feel humiliated!

I feel like ‘myself’ again.

I feel so embarrassed!

I feel so alive!

Yet I hear the alarm, indicating that my time is growing short... with a shaky breath, I turn around slowly, savoring the last of this harsh pleasure... and turn the water temperature down just a little bit so that I can finish my shower and make it to work.

I have just become a morning person.

~elana

I’m not sure what exactly is causing this response... I have heard from others that fibromyalgia makes one’s body hyper-sensitive, in all ways, not just with the pain. By my own choice, I have not taken an intimate Partner since I have began truly dealing with the fibromyalgia/lupus. I am working on accepting this ‘new person’ as me, with my new limitations and whatnot. However, I have heard that pleasure is also intensified by this condition... I have heard that women who were once ‘cold’ in the bedroom have become multi-orgasmic, those numb to sensations are now easily aroused. All I know is that lately... my favorite time of the day is beneath the hot water of the spray jet in the shower, it is as if my entire world not only stops but shrinks down... so there is nothing but the extreme sensations taking over my body.

So we shall see... someday.

Hope

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it. ~ George Weinberg

I realized over the weekend that my perspective has become a little more negative than I desire it to be. I have been working today on shifting that, and tonight... after a fierce thunderstorm that shook this part of Tennessee in its 20 minutes of fury... there was a beautiful double rainbow appeared overhead. The picture doesn’t show the second rainbow as well, but look how fabulous the primary rainbow is!

Hope.

Promise.

Things are definitely starting to look up!

This picture is a bit grainy because it was taken with a cell phone, but is the actual rainbow that was over my house.

Spring

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
~Anonymous

Going along with my 'positive thinking' attitude this week, things have been made much easier by the amazing weather we have! I love Spring. It is a time of rebirth, renewal, new beginnings, and second changes. I'm itching to get back to my gardening, ready to put up new bird feeders, and enjoying time outside with my puppy. So maybe whoever said the quote above is right... I have the same problems now I have been having, the same issues try to distract me still... But I don't want to a miss a moment of this Spring.

Connections

A connection based not just on getting what you want, but moving beyond what you want into what could deeply fulfill you.

Chemistry
A Connection
Elusive and rare
Intense
Overwhelming
Terrifying
Intoxicating
Fleeting
Just my imagination??

Sometimes I have to ask myself, if I am seeking the things I feel that I need/desire, why am I enticing those that mirror my own issues? Is it true that opposites attract, or that two of a kind is better? Many are comfortable being as-is, remaining unhappy so they don’t have to step outside of their zone. It seems that men and women are both struggling with the same confusion. Men are hypnotized by porn stars, seemingly perfect bodies (air brushed or plastic), eager to begin a sexual relationship immediately. Women are bewitched by the perfection of fairy tales... Yet in the real world, it is much easier to abandon ship than try to repair the vessel. Using the excuse that they have “fallen out of love” when the truth is they made a choice not to maintain the relationship/connection. Some argue that things were easier in the “good old days”... they weren’t effortless, they were just very permanent. Then again, way back when, they were not expecting love to be unwavering, it was accepted that it took time to develop between two people.

Yes I hope to find the right connection one day. But, being the hopeful romantic female that I am (even though I am closeted about it), I need a mental/emotional connection first. I’m unable to jump into a physical relationship, giving my body over to Another and keeping my mind/soul out of it. I’m just not wired that way. I really become frustrated when the number one connection that most want to develop is the sexual one! I feel like that is taking the easy way out or looking for instant gratification rather than a fulfilling connection. So where is the compromise? How can that be compromised yet also contain power exchange? I think that is where I am finding my problems... But I have faith, that the right One will be able to maneuver us both where we need to be.

Connection + Compatibility + Compromise = Fulfillment

At least, that is the way I hope it works.

But do not fear...you will come into the possession of one who will not only accept your slavery, in its beauty, tenderness, needfulness, honesty and truth.. for whom you will be a treasure, an incredible and marvelous treasure..
one to be kept under the closest of disciplines.
~John Norman

Going Completely

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” - T. S. Eliot

There are different distances one can go, both with another and within oneself. Some say that once a girl gets to the point where she is willing to go wherever He takes her, she has tapped into her true surrender. Others point out that it could be a cop out, so she doesn’t have to open herself up completely for His control... I have never been too sure how I felt about this topic until today. I was speaking with a Friend who stated that He wants both... to be exposed to every single secret within the girl then direct her where He wishes to take her. I didn’t think that both could co-exist, because some of us were taught that it is selfish to have your own needs/wants when the focus should be always on His.

Could that be the point of slavery, where very dirty little humiliating thought, every secret whorish desire, every exhausting fear is laid at His feet so that He may navigate her to where He desires her to be? Or is it the sacrifice of herself at His feet? Can she have her own quiet kinks met while being a willing vessel to His desires? Would he be able to take control of her completely by using her once-concealed wants to be pleasing to Him? Will the girl truly be His if she keeps those parts of herself tucked in a dark corner and away from Him?

If the girl doesn't have the courage to stop lying to herself and embrace who she is, want she desires, and things she fears... how can she embrace what He truly wants? Keeping those parts of herself locked away only leaves a barrier around her mind, her heart, her body... how can He claim her completely when she isn't offering herself wholly?

Call me greedy... but I want both. I need to be honest with myself, as much as I need to be honest with a Master. I want to be able to be myself wholeheartedly and Him want that for me. I need Him to guide me through my own fears, examining my needs, using my secrets to not only to be pleasing to Him, but to help me grow...

Dogwood Winter

I think that this is part of my favorite time of year, outside of the fall. I enjoy the brief taste of spring and this cold front that comes after. It is comforting to know that beautiful weather is coming, yet is like I am given a reprieve from the heat just a bit longer.

This is the time of year that people are preparing their gardens, making plans for summer vacations, becoming excited about the ending of school... I really enjoy the early spring and late fall seasons. I like being outside without the blistering heat of summer, even though I don't think I could do without swimming! I also like to fish, but the sweltering heat tends to send the fish to the bottom of the river/lake. Deep down, sometimes I wish I could join them... as I would want my super power to be being able to live underwater too.

But getting back to the topic at hand, I'm happy dogwood winter is here. :)

Because Spring will be soon behind.

Child Abuse Prevention

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month.

In Tennessee:

• Tennessee Department of Children's Services responds to 37,000 reports of child abuse and neglect annually.
• Every day there are more than 100 reports of child abuse.
• Tennessee ranked 46th out of 50 states for overall well-being for children

Nationwide:

• 3,000,000,000 reports of possible abuse are reported each year (this equates to one report every 10 seconds).
• 3 million reports of child abuse involve over 5.5 million children in the U.S.
• 3 million reports per year but the actual incident is 3X greater
• 4 kids die everyday from abuse
• 1/3 of abused kids will abuse their own kids
• 80% of abuse is by a parent or caregiver