Inner Strength

I'm unsure why this picture spoke to me so strongly tonight.
It doesn't really fit with this post, but it speaks so strongly
I am including it anyway.

There is more to being a slave than the fun times. There is more to embracing one’s slavery than obeying the commands that one enjoys. When a girl makes that decision that Another’s will comes before her own, truly becomes her priority... There is another side to the masochistic side that enjoys the bondage and sexual submission.

It is easy to kneel, offer, and serve when One is lavishing one with attention, affection, and delicious control. However, what happens when One is busy and isn’t able to drop everything for the one at Their feet? Reality means that there will be those moments where He will be distracted, dealing with issues that must be settled to protect the environment for one’s slavery to flourish. There will be moments of One being so occupied fulfilling obligations that He honestly isn’t able to dwell in the service of another.

Can she still kneel while He is absorbed in something else? Can she remain there, waiting One’s command if He appears to be heavily distracted? Will she yield to selfish desires of instant gratification or can she patiently await His inclinations? Will she listen to the inner voices that begin to whisper “why is He ignoring you” or will she focus on the commitment she made to serve Him and Him alone? It is often said, “A person cannot ride two horses with one ass.” Power exchange is no different, a slave is no different. Only One can be in control, either it is the One a belly feels drawn to or the own voice within, demanding this that and the other.

That is where the test comes in.

That is where true slavery begins.

If a girl truly submits for His pleasure, His joy, eager to do His bidding, drawing her own pleasure from being of His service... Why does a girl put conditions on it? Why does one become hurt and feel broken hearted to be put on the back burner while He provides for other needs? Why does this trigger abandonment fear or the anxiety of being ignored totally by the One that a girl would give anything for His attention?

Who would not be appalled if the One she submitted control to took off and had a tantrum the first time that other things interfered with her ability to devote 150% of her attention and service to Him. So why does one do it to Him? Does one have so little faith in His ability to Master her that we cannot trust that maybe the best way to provide service at one point is to be patient and supportive? Or does one have to little faith in one’s own ability to submit, truly submit, to Him even when she is not seeing an immediate result? Can she not see that what has Him distracted, will mostly be for her best benefit? Perhaps He is consumed with pruning the circumstances, to provide an environment for her slavery to blossom without the weeds of disrespect or chaos to smoother her growth?

At one point, I was able to kneel at One's feet, absolute trust in my Partner, complete faith that my best interest was One's number one concern. To say I was blindsided, is an understatement. I never saw it coming, and I've never fully recovered. I can speak from experience that it takes great strength, to be that girl kneeling, waiting patiently for His will. I know that I am not strong enough... anymore. I don't have the faith in myself, to trust the right One to that complete level... Nor do I have the faith that One would have me there, not because He forgot about me but because He is teaching me patience in my service. And that He does still want me, even though right now He is busy. There were many nights and many tears where I have tried to change my mind about power exchange, tried to convince my broken heart that I didn't need One to serve... The ache remains, each day growing stronger. Hopefully, the right One will embrace who I am, fears and all, and help me grow so that I may be more pleasing.

There are two kinds of strength: the strength to lead and the strength to follow; the strength to control and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare and the power to stand naked. ¤ Gurumayi Chidvil ¤

Inner Demons

Prohibited by Luis Royo

This picture is both comforting and chilling.

A few days ago, I spent time with pixie, she is not only an old friend but someone I consider to be a sister at heart. I also saw someone I have known for years, but met him again in a very different way.

So for the rest of the week, I’ve been torn. I keep thinking about this newly met friend, but am having a hard time knowing if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Yes I know I am over reacting and putting to much thought into things, but those other demons have already been weakening my barriers over the last month.

Keep calm. Stay true to who you are. Take a deep breath. Relax in a bubble bath. Just don't think about it. Color your heart out. Focus on the music. Soak in the sun. Put on the bells that always cheers you up. All of this is wonderful advice but... none of it is working. Perhaps the reason why is because pixie and I have discussed it before, she's totally at peace with it and... part of me is now also. And that terrifies me.

Now, I don't know what I'm more afraid of, if what I felt is real... or what I thought I felt is only my imagination and means absolutely nothing... but a cocky guy stroking his own ego.

Hidden in plain sight...

Chameleon by Sheila Wolk

Can you see me?

Will you take the time to really comprehend who I truly am, my thoughts, fears, desires, opinions, and my character?

Can you feel me, heat of my flesh, burn within my soul that yearns to be ignited by the soul of Another?

Can you hear the cadence of a heart hungry to please, to serve, and flourish beneath Another’s control?

Can you taste the salty tears on my cheeks as each night I fall asleep alone, waiting still for the other Half of my passion.

Will you even look for me?

What you find will be totally up to you.